Client Attitudes Towards Relationships

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At the heart of the Fount model of Relationship Therapy lies a fundamental principle: understanding individual attitudes towards relationships and how these attitudes profoundly impact the quality of their connections as well as their mental well-being. Based on this principle, individuals are classified into two distinct categories: Sifters and Moulders. Let’s explore these:

- Sifters: These individuals spend their lives in a perpetual quest for trust within their relationships. They approach connections cautiously, always on the lookout for signs of unreliability or potential hurt. Sifters meticulously sift through relationships, testing the waters, and scrutinising behaviors for any hint of betrayal or indifference. Unfortunately, many relationships fall short of the sifter's ideal, and this disappointment can lead to feelings of isolation and distrust.

- Moulders: In contrast, Moulders adopt a proactive approach to relationship building. They recognize the imperfections that are inherent in all human connections. Moulders are committed to molding their relationships into healthier, more fulfilling bonds. They view individuals as fundamentally well-intentioned, and they believe that behaviors are shaped by complex interplays of thoughts and emotions. Consequently, Moulders prioritise understanding others, seeking common ground, and actively working to nurture their relationships over time. The process of communication, over time, not only improves their relationships but also deepens their understanding of others. Moulders tend to recognise that behavior is influenced by an intricate interplay of thoughts and emotions. Consequently, over time, moulders cultivate a more nuanced understanding of human psychology and the complexities of interpersonal dynamics.

Please note: Being a moulder doesn't ensure success in every relationship. Communication requires mutual willingness and both people have the freedom to make their own choices. If the other person chooses not to engage or improve the relationship, the healthy choice is to step back, prioritising personal well-being. The key here is that moulders invest in relationships where the other person is also open and willing to work on their relationship.

Also note: Being a moulder does not mean giving the same level of time and attention to every relationship. A moulder who has limited time and energy may exert more effort in shaping relationships that are more significant (e.g. family or friends) or require more frequent interaction (e.g. coworkers).

Regrettably, over time, sifters tend to experience disappointment in most of their relationships. This can be attributed to two key reasons:

1. Inherent Imperfections in Relationships: Firstly, it's essential to recognize that no relationship is flawless. Human emotions and cognitive biases frequently influence individuals, causing them to behave in ways that may unintentionally cause harm. When people experience intense emotions, their perspective becomes skewed, leading to actions they wouldn't typically engage in.

2. Prevalence of Misunderstandings: Secondly, misunderstandings are exceptionally common in relationships, more so than we might initially realize. People possess diverse backgrounds and unique interpretations of behavior and language. When we assess someone's actions through our own personal lens, we may misinterpret their true intentions, feelings, or thoughts. In the absence of effective communication, these misunderstandings can persist, remaining unresolved and often unnoticed. Consequently, individuals can navigate through their lives without ever recognizing or addressing these misinterpretations.

The Pitfalls of Sifting

Individuals who adopt a sifting mindset may encounter challenges that hinder the development of deep, meaningful connections. Here are key issues associated with sifting:

1. Superficial Understanding: Sifters may struggle to grasp the depth and nuances of others' thoughts and emotions. Their cautious approach might lead to a surface-level understanding, preventing the establishment of profound connections.

2. Limited Relationship Development: The meticulous sifting process, driven by a constant evaluation of trustworthiness, may result in relationships that remain underdeveloped. Sifters might find themselves hesitant to invest the time and effort necessary for relationships to flourish.

3. Mistrust as a Byproduct: The quest for an idealized, trustworthy relationship can paradoxically lead to heightened mistrust. By constantly testing and scrutinizing, sifters may inadvertently foster an environment of suspicion and guardedness.

4. Isolation and Disappointment: The perpetual quest for an elusive perfect relationship can lead to isolation and persistent disappointment. Sifters may find it challenging to form and maintain connections when their expectations consistently go unmet.

Therapeutic Intervention: Guiding Sifters Towards Moulding

A major therapeutic goal, then, becomes guiding sifters toward a more constructive approach to relationships. This transformation can be achieved through a series of therapeutic interventions aimed at shifting their relational orientation from one of trying find the perfect relationship to one of creating the relationships they desire through the process of moulding. Here are some key strategies and interventions that therapists can employ:

1. Psychoeducation: Start by providing Sifters with comprehensive psychoeducation about the pitfalls associated with sifting tendencies. This education should encompass the challenges of forming deep connections, the perpetual quest for an elusive ideal relationship, and the resultant feelings of isolation and mistrust. By shedding light on the consequences of sifting, clients can begin to recognise the need for change.

2. Cognitive Reappraisal: Encourage clients to identify and explore their thought patterns surrounding trust, vulnerability, and relationship expectations. Work with clients to reframe these thoughts in a more balanced and constructive manner. For example, help them recognise that not all imperfections in relationships signify betrayal, and often issues like differences in views or mindsets or unspoken emotions can create misunderstandings between people.

3. Exploration of Childhood Roots: Sifting tendencies often have deep roots in an individual's early life experiences and attachment styles. In therapy, create a safe and empathetic space for clients to explore and address these roots. Encourage open dialogue about past experiences, family dynamics, and any formative events that may have contributed to their approach to relationships. By gaining insight into the origins of their sifting tendencies, clients can begin to untangle the emotional threads that have shaped their relational mindset.

4. Skill Building: Equip clients with practical communication and relationship-building skills. Offer guidance on effective listening, empathetic communication and conflict resolution. These skills empower clients to actively participate in molding their relationships into healthier, more satisfying bonds. We will explore some of these skills in the following sections of this module.

5. Gradual Exposure: Support clients in gradually exposing themselves to vulnerability within the therapeutic relationship and in their personal connections outside of therapy. This exposure can be a pivotal step in building trust and fostering deeper relationships. By taking small, manageable risks in sharing thoughts and emotions, clients can experience the benefits of open communication and understanding.

Incorporating these strategies into therapy sessions can guide Sifters on their journey towards adopting a Moulder's perspective. By addressing the cognitive, emotional, and experiential aspects of sifting tendencies, therapists within the Fount model can facilitate transformative change, leading to healthier, more meaningful relationships for their clients.

Practical Exercise:

Engage in a reflective exercise where you assess your own tendencies — do you lean towards sifting or molding within your personal relationships? Understanding your inclinations is key to enhancing your effectiveness in guiding clients through their relationship journeys.

Relationship Types

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What makes some relationships healthy and long lasting, and others fragile or full of problems? Styles of communication play a pivotal role in determining the health and longevity of a relationship. The Fount model has categorised relationships into three primary types based on their communication patterns:

Type 1 - No Communication

In Type 1 relationships, individuals avoid discussing topics that might make them feel vulnerable or ignite conflict and confrontation. While they engage in everyday conversations about mundane subjects like the weather or current events without any issues, they steer clear of addressing deeper emotional concerns. Instances where they feel hurt by their partner's behavior, hold criticisms, or experience disagreements remain unspoken. On the surface, these relationships may appear tranquil and harmonious, with everyone seemingly getting along.

However, as previously discussed, misunderstandings are incredibly common in relationships. Regrettably, people in Type 1 relationships seldom find opportunities to address and resolve these misunderstandings. Consequently, beneath the facade of calmness, unspoken grudges, lingering hurt, and silent resentments fester. Over time, these unresolved emotions erode the foundation of affection and closeness. Individuals in such relationships gradually grow apart, and their emotional connection weakens. At times, one person in the relationship may silently harbor these sentiments, while the other remains blissfully unaware of any issues. They may mistakenly believe that their relationship is thriving without a hitch. However, a day may come when they are confronted with the deep-seated and irrevocable problems lurking in their partner's mind.

It's crucial to dispel the misconception that avoiding communication protects the other person. In reality, this silence does more harm than good. When suppressed emotions eventually come to light, the impact is far more profound and hurtful than addressing issues earlier would have been.

In this type of relationship, individuals often remain isolated, unable to truly understand each other's perspectives. Their lack of communication leads to assumptions about what others are like, and these assumptions can often be far from reality. This tendency to assume can be exacerbated by past experiences of being hurt by others, leading to a general mistrust of people. So we may find that individuals who suffer from mistrust frequently fall within this relationship type.

There are several reasons why people become Type 1 communicators:

1. Fear of Confrontation: Some individuals have strong negative emotions related to confrontation, such as fear, dread, anxiety, or shame. Overcoming this fear can be achieved through gradual exposure to these emotions and the use of cognitive reappraisal. It involves facing the fear step by step, building courage over time.

2. Desire for Peace: Some believe that avoiding conflict and disagreements is the key to maintaining trouble-free relationships. However, as we have learned, avoiding communication may seem to create short-term peace but can ultimately lead to relationship breakdowns in the long run. Reminding clients of this principle can help overcome the inclination to keep the peace at all costs.

3. Cultural and Normative Influences: Cultural factors and societal conventions can significantly impact communication patterns. If a culture discourages confrontation and conflict, individuals may find it challenging to go against these social norms. However, it's essential to recognise that culture and tradition can evolve, and individuals can play a role in promoting healthy communication practices. If cultural factors play a role in hindering healthy communication for your client, it is beneficial to engage in a culturally sensitive dialogue with your client, where you work collaboratively with your client to find communication strategies that respect their cultural values while also addressing any unhelpful dynamics. This process involves acknowledging the influence of culture on their communication patterns, validating their cultural experiences, and gradually introducing alternative approaches that align with both their cultural heritage and their desire for healthier relationships.

Type 2: Ineffective Communication

In the second type of relationship, people may appear to talk about their differences, but problems persist and seem to resurface repeatedly. Despite the appearance of communication, the focus tends to be misplaced, leading to ongoing issues rather than resolution.

Effective communication should center on deepening the understanding between the involved parties. However, in Type 2 relationships, communication is focused on the need to swiftly alleviate negative emotions, such as anger, resentment, or hurt feelings. Rather than seeking a better understanding of one another, the communication becomes a means to relieve these distressing emotions. Consequently, this unhelpful focus can inadvertently transform these relationships into battlegrounds, escalating conflicts rather than resolving them.

Emotionally driven communication within Type 2 includes blame, hurting back, harsh criticisms, threats, defensiveness, or blocking.

- Blame: This occurs when individuals concentrate on assigning blame and venting their anger towards the other party, rather than seeking to comprehend all perspectives and finding collaborative solutions. Blaming communication revolves around trying to figure out ‘whose fault it is’ and showering them with anger or punishment. Blame often counteracts compassion and self compassion and has a punitive and unforgiving flavour.

- Hurting Back: It involves acting on anger or hurt by inflicting pain on the other person, either physically or emotionally. This can manifest through hurtful comments, actions meant to cause harm, or subtle means like hurtful humor or sarcasm.

- Harsh Criticisms: Harsh criticisms serve as a form of retaliation. Criticism, when expressed with compassion and restraint, can be constructive. Such criticism is used sparingly and only when necessary, and every care is taken to use gentle words combined with positive, encouraging statements. However, within emotionally driven communication, criticism often becomes a means of punishment, devoid of concern for its impact on the other person. Under such circumstances, individuals criticise harshly or unnecessarily.

- Defensiveness: Defensiveness emerges as a response to emotions such as shame or hurt during communication. The problem with defensiveness is that it redirects our focus away from a crucial communication goal: understanding the other person better. When an individual becomes defensive, their main priority shifts from genuinely listening to the other person's perspective to protecting their own emotional comfort. This defensive stance hinders true understanding as individuals are more interested in validating their own viewpoint rather than comprehending the other person's perspective. Defensive individuals tend to rush to prove their own point and silence the other person, making deep and productive communication challenging.

It's vital to differentiate between feeling defensive and effectively communicating one's viewpoint. When individuals express their side of the story to another person, the intention should be to aid the other person in understanding their perspective while also demonstrating a willingness to understand the other person's viewpoint. However, in a defensive state, individuals concentrate solely on protecting their own position. A defensive individual finds it too uncomfortable to truly listen to the other person. They are in a rush to prove that their side is right and to silence the other person.

- Threats: Threats may be employed to release pent-up anger or coerce the other person into compliance. Often, threats arise when people feel helpless and uncertain about how to make the other person listen or cooperate. However, the use of threats in communication poses significant challenges. When threats are employed, the individual is met with defensive or self protective measures. The application of threats causes the other individual to feel unsafe, erodes their trust, and deters them from opening up. Instead of fostering a conducive environment for communication or understanding, the use of threats often elicits an emotional alienation. Addressing the impulse to resort to threats is crucial for creating a space where collaboration and understanding can thrive.

- Blocking Communication: Blocking communication manifests in various forms, such as abruptly exiting a conversation or conveying disinterest in hearing the partner's perspective. These include expressions like:

'I don't want to hear your excuses.'
'Here we go again.'
'Stop making a big deal out of everything.'
'I don't need to explain myself to you.'
'You should know. I shouldn't have to tell you.'

Employing such tactics leads to detrimental outcomes. The partner, feeling unheard, may intensify their efforts to communicate, resulting in a cycle of desperation. Alternatively, they might give up entirely, ceasing communication and fostering internal resentment. This conduct jeopardises the relationship, as the disconnection deepens, and interest wanes. Blocking communication hinders the potential for understanding and resolution. If a client has previously engaged in blocking communication, it is not too late to encourage openness. During moments of temptation to block, it is essential to recognise that dismissing the other person's thoughts does not make them vanish. Acknowledging the discomfort of communication and confronting the reality of the partner's perspective is an act of bravery crucial for relationship growth.

Type 3: Effective Communication

Type 3 relationships represent the gold standard for healthy and enduring connections. In contrast to Type 1 and Type 2 relationships, where individuals may experience drifting apart or escalating conflicts, Type 3 relationships exhibit a gradual deepening and enhancement of the bond over time. Within these relationships, people draw nearer to each other, savor each other's company, and witness a reduction in conflicts over time, with a concurrent increase in mutual understanding.

So, what characterises a Type 3 relationship? In Type 3, communication hinges on a sincere desire to comprehend the partner's perspective, as well as conveying one's own thoughts and emotions effectively. This understanding paves the way for collaborative problem-solving, wherein solutions are sought that satisfy all parties involved. These individuals exhibit courage by tackling conflicts head-on, striving to understand others' intentions. They assertively express their needs and ideas while maintaining a genuine commitment to listening and resolving misunderstandings. Notably, they steer clear of manipulative tactics and emotionally charged behaviors.

It's essential to point out that conflict and disagreements are not harmful to the health of relationships; instead, they signify a healthy process of reconciling differing worldviews. Therefore, individuals should not fear arguments, and the duration of an argument should not be perceived as indicative of relationship problems. Sometimes, it takes time for individuals with very different viewpoints to reach mutual understanding and discover common ground. The true measure of a healthy relationship lies in the approach to communication, rather than the speed of conflict resolution.

Guiding Clients Toward Type 3 Relationships

A central goal for relationship therapy is to help clients transition from Type 1 or Type 2 relationships into Type 3 relationships. This transformation involves a combination of psychoeducation, cognitive reappraisal, and therapeutic strategies which can be tailored for either individual therapy or couple therapy settings. Here are some strategies and approaches that can assist you in facilitating this transition:

1. Psychoeducation on Relationship Types: Start by providing psychoeducation on the three relationship types to the individual client or couple. Use simple language to explain the characteristics, dynamics, and potential consequences associated with each type.

2. Self-Reflection and Assessment: Encourage clients to reflect individually or with their partner on their communication patterns and relationship dynamics. Have them identify which type their relationship currently aligns with. This self-awareness forms the foundation for change.

3. Couple Assessment: Conduct joint sessions to assess the relationship as a whole. Discuss with the couple their shared communication patterns and how these may contribute to their current relationship type. Facilitate open and honest dialogue about their individual needs, emotions, and concerns.

4. Cognitive Reappraisal: Use cognitive reappraisal techniques to help clients reframe their beliefs and attitudes toward communication and conflict resolution. Challenge negative beliefs that may be hindering effective communication, such as the fear of confrontation or the belief that avoiding conflict preserves harmony.

5. Training in Healthy Alternatives: In the upcoming sections of this module, we will explore healthier strategies for communication and listening which can assist clients adopt more adaptive alternatives.

Communicating Character Traits and Emotional Needs

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One of the foundational principles of successful relationship therapy is to shed light on the inner worlds of both individuals involved. Conflict often arises from the challenge of comprehending the inner worlds of other people. Each person carries a distinct set of experiences, shaped by their upbringing, childhood challenges, and the intricate web of their past. Childhood challenges, attachment styles, and the formation of core beliefs act as silent architects, constructing the intricate workings of one's psyche. Yet, these inner workings are often concealed beneath the surface, masked by the veneer of socially accepted behaviours and daily interactions. This diversity can give rise to behaviors, reactions, and communication styles that are perplexing to others or give raise to misunderstandings.

Imagine a scenario where one partner has never grappled with social anxiety or self-image issues, while the other faces these challenges daily. The former might find it difficult to comprehend the overwhelming anxiety or self-doubt that the latter experiences. Similarly, someone securely attached, who has a robust sense of trust and comfort in relationships, may struggle to grasp the emotions and behaviors of a partner with anxious or avoidant attachment styles. It's in these moments of confusion that conflict often arises. Misinterpretations can lead to personalisation, hurt feelings, frustration, and the erosion of trust. An important step in relationship therapy involves peeling back the intricate layers of each individual's inner experiences and the history that shaped their inner workings, in order to create better understanding between the individuals.

This understanding paves the way for profound empathy, minimises conflicts, and even goes as far as creating positive changes towards each individual’s mental health, attachment patterns etc. Research indicates that therapy focused on improving interpersonal skills can lead to long-lasting benefits for individuals' mental health, mood and reduced attachment issues.

Step 1: One on One Assessment

The role of the therapist in relationship therapy is akin to that of a bridge builder. To construct a sturdy bridge, one must understand the unique landscapes on both sides of the divide. Similarly, therapists must first comprehend the inner workings of each partner involved in the therapy process. This involves delving into each individual's history, childhood experiences, past traumas, attachment styles, and core beliefs in order to achieve an accurate assessment of their inner workings.

During this step, dedicated time is spent with each partner, both understanding their views and goals around the relationship, and conducting a thorough assessment of their psychological make up. Here's how to practically apply this within your relationship therapy sessions:

1. Ethical and Legal Considerations: Ensure you are well familiar with the ethical and legal guidelines applicable to your profession and practice location in regards to relationship therapy. Pay particular attention to topics like record-keeping, informed consent, and confidentiality in couple or family therapy, as these may be different to individual therapy sessions. Study relevant guidelines or seek supervision if in doubt. This is important as you must ensure both clients are informed about their rights and any confidentiality limits when they have private sessions with you.

2. Setting the Stage for Individual Exploration: At the onset of therapy, establish the importance of you spending some one on one time with each individual. Explain that this process is designed to help you as the therapist understand each individual within the relationship, as well as helping each individual understand themselves better, which is an important first step towards healthier relationships.

3. Allocate Specific Sessions: Dedicate specific sessions solely to Individual Exploration. Consider a balance that works for your clients. The amount of time spent on individual assessment versus joint sessions may vary based on the specific needs and circumstances of the couple. For example, you might spend one session individually exploring Partner A's history, attachment style, and self-image and the next session focusing on Partner B. Private, one-on-one sessions offer a safe space for open discussions.

4. The Assessment Process: Within each individual exploration session, you can use your assessment skills, including what you have learned in this course. This includes the use of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as your guiding framework, or when helpful, the Fount Mental Health Profile - An 11+4-Item Questionnaire (refer to Module 1 of the Fount Clinician course).

5. Putting to Use the Outcome of Individual Assessment: The information you gain through your individual assessment with each client can be used in the following ways:

• To help you make therapeutic judgements that can assist in a myriad of ways. For example, you may decide that one or both partners also need to seek individual therapy and may decide to make referrals accordingly. Or if you realise that one partner suffers from deep attachment issues, you may decide to dedicate focused time within the relationship therapy sessions to building trust, encourage communication at times of perceived abandonment and so on.

• To assist each individual gain self-awareness and understanding of their own needs, thoughts and emotions. This self awareness is necessary for effective communication as they develop their own ability to speak to their partner about what is on their mind or their unique needs or concerns.

• To help you facilitate effective communication as the couple build the skills to communicate independently. For example, there may be times when, with the prior consent of Partner A, you may communicate to Partner B the psychological make up or needs of Partner A. It is important that this step is done with the utmost care and sensitivity, as communicating these factors without ensuring that sufficient education is in place, can result in Partner B applying unhelpful stigmas or using the information they have gained from you to blame or pigeonhole Partner B. This risk is particularly highlighted given the easy access to internet searches where certain mental health conditions are heavily stereotyped and even vilified (e.g. individuals with a diagnosis of narcissism appear to be heavily vilified and condemned in the popular culture, at times even by trained professionals). Untrained individuals are at the risk of stereotyping others and attempting to fit all their subsequent behaviour within the descriptions read on the internet. This can introduce a whole new level of communication breakdowns where, instead of actively trying to understand their partner with their unique thoughts, emotions or behaviours, they now pigeonhole their partner’s behaviours, while their attempts for genuine communication are dismissed or explained away. It is important for relationship therapists to be vigilant around such risks in order to actively prevent them from taking place during the course of relationship therapy. For example, proactively discourage your clients from believing everything they read or hear on the internet about various psychological make ups, discourage them from pigeonholing or labeling, and help them understand that all individuals are unique and the best way to understand their partner is to truly listen to them. This is not to say that understanding the general make up of a person’s personality is always unhelpful. For example, it may be helpful for Partner A to understand that Partner B grapples with attachment issues, self sacrifice schema or depression. But they need to understand that not everyone with these conditions presents in exactly the same way. Instead they need to understand how these conditions uniquely impact their partner. Furthermore, they need to understand not to use these as labels, as individuals do change. For example, as their partner’s condition improves through intervention or self help, they must be prepared to shed their old understanding of their partner in favour of the new.

11. Continual Evaluation: Continually evaluate the need for additional individual exploration sessions. Some partners may require more dedicated time for self-discovery and healing than others.

Step 2: Communication in Joined Sessions

Joint sessions are the heart of the relationship therapy process. They provide a space where clients can 1- learn about healthy communication skills, 2- practice these skills under the guidance of their therapist, and 3- gradually develop the confidence to continue communicating using these newly gained skills at home. Below are some of the steps to take during joined sessions:

1. Study Healthy Communication Skills: Allocate some time to teaching clients about the principles of healthy communication, including the 3 relationship types and unhelpful strategies such of blame, hurting back, harsh criticisms, defensiveness, threats and blocking.

2. Create a Safe Space: Establish a safe and non-judgmental space with the clients. This is foundational to productive discussions. Partners should feel free to express their thoughts and emotions without fear of criticism or reprisal. This can be achieved through arriving at an agreement by both clients that they will make an effort to refrain from unhelpful strategies such as blame, hurting back, harsh criticisms, defensiveness, threats and blocking.

3. Brainstorm and Set Goals: Spend some time brainstorming the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship from the point of view of each client. Discussing the strengths or what the clients are “happy” about in the relationship is important for two reasons. Firstly this can start the joined sessions on a positive note where the couple can hear what their partner appreciates about them or the relationship. This can also soften the effects of any areas of concern that may be disclosed later. Secondly, this can provide the therapist with an assessment of the strengths of the relationship and what connects the couple. Following this step, the couple discuss their areas of concern. During this step, the therapist can monitor and supervise the communication taking place to ensure that issues are raised using the communication strategies previously discussed, including refraining from a language of blame, hurting back, harsh criticisms, threats and blocking. Once both individuals have expressed their concerns, the therapist can point out similarities and differences between the couple’s list. Those concerns that are agreed upon by both individuals can easily be acknowledged by everyone as a goal for upcoming sessions. However, any items that are raised by one partner and not the other can be discussed further, in order to arrive at an agreement that they should also be addressed. This ensures that both individuals feel their concerns are valued and will be heard. Please refer to this module’s handouts for a helpful template to assist with this step.

4. Facilitate Communication: Finally, once the above steps are complete, your role as a relationship therapist becomes the facilitation of healthy communication between the individuals, through a structured platform where the partners interact, communicate, and work on their relationship dynamics. In the upcoming sections, we will explore several essential techniques and strategies to assist with this process. These techniques and strategies can assist the couple to listen more effectively, resolve conflict and disagreements and manage disruptive emotions during the course of communication. It is important that during the course of relationship therapy, clients are gradually trained and guided to apply these techniques and strategies. The aim is to impart these valuable communication tools, ensuring that couples not only understand them intellectually but also integrate them into the fabric of their interactions.

Mindful Thinking and Communication

Often communication breakdowns result from autopilot thinking and mental disorganisation, resulting in a lack of clarity about what we want to communication and how to organise our thoughts in a way that makes sense to others. So relationship therapy must address autopilot and mindless thinking in the context of relationships, and help people to first pay attention to their own thoughts and ideas needing to be communicated.

This process involves training clients to pause before communicating and take a moment to understand what they intend to convey and what outcomes they hope to achieve. It's worth noting that writing can be a valuable tool during this step. Suggest that clients begin by jotting down their thoughts, or to pause momentarily while taking note of their inner thoughts or intentions.

For instance, consider the case of M, a client diagnosed with a heart condition who had been experiencing anxiety. Through the practice of mindful thinking, M recognized that several critical questions were occupying his mind, such as:

— What physical activities can I engage in safely with my heart condition?

— How can I prevent a relapse?

— What are the chances of a full recovery and returning to my previous state of well-being?

And so forth. M's lack of answers to these questions had led him to make assumptions and anticipate the most negative outcomes.

M realised that because he hadn't paid attention to the questions on his mind, every time he had seen his doctor he had been distracted by other issues and hadn't asked the right questions. By paying attention to what was on his mind through mindful thinking, M became aware of what he needed to ask his doctor at his next appointment. Communicating these concerns and receiving the information he sought significantly reduced his anxiety. This example illustrates how the simple act of mindful thinking can help clients identify the right questions and receive appropriate answers.

Instruct clients to write down their thoughts or concerns, without too much concern surrounding the manner of delivery at this stage. This brainstorming stage is simply to increase their awareness of their own thoughts, emotions, questions or anything else that may need to be communicated.

The process of increasing insight and mindful awareness of client’s thoughts, emotions and motives may take longer for some clients than others. As a therapist you can gauge your client’s level of insight and assess how long therapy needs to focus on this step before moving on to later steps.

Organised Communication

The subsequent step involves organising these points. Clients should review their thoughts and organise them systematically. Stress the importance of conveying one point at a time and structuring them in a logical sequence that will make sense to the recipient. Mixing unrelated ideas or jumping between points can lead to confusion. Clients should categorise related points together and establish an order based on two considerations:

1. Organise points in a sequence that will be comprehensible to the recipient, while increasing the clients’ awareness that others may not have the same insight into their thought processes.

2. Prioritise points based on personal importance. Clients should start by addressing the issues that trouble them the most, discussing them until resolution before moving on to less critical concerns.

Structuring Ideas

Certainly, here's the rewritten section for Principle #4 in simple scientific language, addressing the four key elements of communication:

"Principle #4: Clarifying Four Key Elements of Communication

In the realm of relationship therapy, communication often falters due to clients inadvertently mixing and confusing four essential elements of communication. It is vital for therapy to assist clients in distinguishing and articulating these elements separately:

1. **Facts:** This element concerns what clients observe and perceive as the objective reality. Facts entail describing situations or detailing specific circumstances without incorporating personal thoughts or opinions. It is crucial to refrain from intermingling thoughts and opinions with facts. For instance, one can convey, 'There were five people present,' 'The shoes were blue,' or 'Lunch was ready at 12:30 pm.' During disagreements, it can be advantageous to establish factual consensus before delving into thoughts, emotions, or wishes. Agreeing on the facts serves as a fundamental step, preventing misunderstandings from taking root.

Additionally, it's noteworthy that emotions and beliefs can influence how individuals remember facts. This phenomenon often leads to varying recollections of the same incident. It is not necessarily a deliberate attempt at dishonesty but rather the impact of emotions on memory. Recognizing this can avert unnecessary disputes.

2. **Thoughts:** This element involves conveying personal opinions, beliefs, and ideas about a situation. Thoughts are distinct from facts; they represent the individual's perspective on the facts. While discussing thoughts, it is essential to clarify that they are subjective and not absolute truths. Instead of asserting, 'You are wrong,' it is more effective to express, 'That's not how I perceive it' or 'I have a different viewpoint.' This approach facilitates open communication, reducing defensiveness in the recipient.

Furthermore, addressing thoughts helps rectify potential cognitive errors. It allows clients to identify and correct misunderstandings or misconceptions they or their partner may hold.

3. **Emotions:** Emotions constitute the third element, and it is essential to emphasize that they are distinct from thoughts or facts. Clients should explicitly communicate that the emotions they experience are their own and not universal truths or logical thoughts. Emotions may sometimes conflict with rational thinking, leading to emotional reactions that appear illogical. Articulating emotions as separate entities from thoughts or facts prevents misinterpretations. Encouraging clients to recognize their emotions can also prompt them to inquire about their partner's emotional state during communication.

4. **Wishes:** The final element pertains to clients' intentions or desired outcomes in a given conversation. Clients should clearly express the purpose behind their communication. Are they seeking better understanding, a change in behavior, or collaborative problem-solving? Ambiguity about communication objectives can result in confusion and misinterpretations. A failure to convey one's motives can lead to unwarranted assumptions about the intent behind the conversation, potentially causing friction.

For example, consider a scenario where a couple's communication breaks down due to the lack of clarity in expressing wishes:

Jane: 'You made yourself tea and didn't offer me any. You never think about me.'

Tony: 'I'm sorry; I'll make you some now.'

Jane: 'No, it's not just about the tea. I want to understand you better. I feel neglected.'

Tony: 'I didn't offer tea because it's how I always did it in my family.'

In this revised exchange, Jane explicitly communicates her wish to understand Tony better, preventing assumptions about her intent. This clarity facilitates a more constructive conversation.

In essence, Principle #4 underscores the importance of separating these four communication elements—facts, thoughts, emotions, and wishes. By doing so, clients can foster more effective, transparent, and productive dialogue, reducing the potential for misunderstandings and conflicts."


Certainly, here's an extensive and detailed version of Principle #4 without omitting any information:

"Principle #4

Communication breakdowns often stem from clients inadvertently mixing and confusing four crucial elements of communication. Effective therapy should assist clients in recognizing and differentiating these elements for clearer and more constructive communication.

When actively considering what to communicate, it proves advantageous to categorize thoughts into the following four sections:

1. **Facts**: This segment pertains to objective observations and verifiable details. It involves describing the situation or pointing out specific facts without introducing personal opinions or interpretations. For instance, stating "There were 5 people present," "The shoes were blue," or "Lunch was ready at 12:30 pm" represents factual statements. During disagreements, it can be beneficial to establish the facts before delving into thoughts, emotions, or wishes. Agreement on the factual basis of a situation can prevent misunderstandings from arising.

It's essential to acknowledge that emotions and beliefs can sometimes influence how individuals recall facts. This subjectivity can lead to varying accounts of the same event. Misunderstandings often arise when each person recalls the event differently, leading to disagreements. Recognizing this can foster empathy and understanding rather than assuming dishonesty.

2. **Thoughts**: Thoughts encompass an individual's perspectives, opinions, and beliefs regarding a situation or the facts. Distinguishing thoughts from facts is crucial. Communicating thoughts should involve expressing them as personal viewpoints, rather than presenting them as incontrovertible truths. Avoid phrases like "You're wrong," as they can provoke defensiveness. Instead, employ phrases like "That's not how I see it" or "I don't entirely agree." This approach facilitates expressing opinions without causing defensiveness in the listener.

Discussing thoughts is valuable for dispelling cognitive errors that either party may have. It enables individuals to correct misunderstandings or clarify their perspectives, contributing to healthier communication.

3. **Emotions**: Emotions are subjective reactions and feelings related to a situation or event. It is vital to distinguish emotions from facts or logical thoughts. Emotions may not always align with rational thoughts. For example, an individual may logically understand that their partner did not intend to hurt them, yet their emotions may make them feel otherwise. Communicating emotions as such, rather than as logical thoughts or facts, helps avoid misunderstandings.

Acknowledging and articulating emotions is crucial for preventing emotional conflicts rooted in misinterpretations. Misunderstandings occur when one party perceives the issue as logical or factual, leading to futile attempts to provide rational explanations.

4. **Wishes**: Clearly expressing the purpose of communication is essential. Clients should be encouraged to identify whether they seek better understanding, behavioral change, collaborative problem-solving, or another outcome. Failing to communicate intentions may lead to unmet expectations and confusion in the discussion.

By articulating their desires and motives, clients can avoid potential misinterpretations. This clarity ensures that both parties understand the objectives of the conversation, reducing the risk of unintended consequences.

Consider a scenario where a couple's lack of clarity regarding wishes led to misunderstanding:

**Jane**: "You made yourself a cup of tea and didn't offer me one. Can't you think of me for once?"

**Tony**: "I'm sorry, I'll make one for you now."

**Jane**: "Thanks, but it's not just about the tea. I want to understand you better. I've been feeling neglected. Can you help me understand if I'm right or wrong to feel this way?"

**Tony**: "I didn't offer because it's my habit. In my family, everyone made their tea without asking others. I'll try to remember next time."

In this improved communication, Jane clarifies her wish for better understanding rather than focusing solely on the issue. Tony, understanding her motives, provides a more empathetic response. Clearly defining the purpose of discussion prevents misinterpretations and promotes effective communication."

This expanded version maintains all the details from your original text while providing a more comprehensive explanation of Principle #4.

Active Listening

Effective listening in communication is rooted in a genuine curiosity and a desire to truly comprehend the other person's perspective, address emotional distress, and work towards shared objectives. During conversations, there are moments when your partner conveys information crucial for better mutual understanding. These instances include when:

- What they are trying to convey appears highly significant to them, evident through the intensity of their emotions or persistent repetition of their points.

- The topic they are discussing holds importance for you, such as when they answer a question you've posed or elaborate on a matter of personal significance.

- A sense of misunderstanding prevails, or it seems you and your partner keep missing each other's points.

In such instances, the practice of active listening becomes a valuable tool, comprising three stages:

**1. Paraphrasing**

Paraphrasing involves rephrasing what you perceive your partner has expressed in your own words. This entails attentive listening to their statements, followed by articulating what you understand them to be communicating. Examples of paraphrasing include:

- "So, you're indicating that my long work hours make you feel angry?"

- "I'm hearing that you believe I prioritize my other friends over you. Have I grasped your perspective correctly?"

- "Are you suggesting that my suggestion to declutter and tidy up the house feels like criticism to you?"

Paraphrasing serves multiple purposes. Firstly, it affords your partner the opportunity to rectify any misconceptions, enabling them to hear your interpretation and clarify any misunderstandings. Secondly, it fosters a sense of being heard in your partner, instilling calmness and receptivity to your subsequent statements.

**2. Clarifying**

Following paraphrasing, your partner may respond in one of two ways:

- Acknowledging that your paraphrase accurately captures their viewpoint.

- Indicating that you have misunderstood or misinterpreted their message.

If the latter occurs and it becomes evident that you didn't grasp your partner's perspective accurately, it is time to embark on the process of clarification. Your partner may voluntarily provide further insight into their viewpoint, or you can pose questions designed to encourage them to elucidate and invite you into their perspective.

When framing questions for clarification, it is vital to respect your partner's autonomy in responding. Strive to avoid pressuring or making them feel interrogated. Remember that effective communication is a collaborative endeavor, with both partners sharing their respective viewpoints. Questions for clarification may include:

- "Could you help me understand what I may have misunderstood?"

- "Could you elaborate on what you mean by this?"

- "I'm finding it challenging to grasp your perspective on this matter. Can we explore it further together?"

- "Can you shed light on what leads you to think or feel this way?"

- "Different people interpret similar statements in various ways. What specifically are you referring to?"

Importantly, take note of your partner's clarification and actively listen, attending to their words and accepting their points at face value. This process necessitates empathizing with their perspective, even if it differs significantly from your own worldview or beliefs.

**3. Feedback**

After attentive listening, paraphrasing, and clarifying to enhance your understanding of your partner's perspective, it is your turn to provide feedback based on the newfound clarity.

Remember that effective feedback is contingent upon ensuring that you have accurately comprehended your partner's message. Skipping the preceding two steps can lead to feedback that misses the mark and results in both individuals merely presenting their own narratives without genuinely listening. This scenario is often the breeding ground for communication breakdowns.

During the feedback phase, you have the opportunity to express your thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and opinions on the matter at hand. You can share your perspective, facilitate understanding of your viewpoint, and respond to any queries your partner may have. This is where you practice conveying your thoughts without resorting to blame, retaliation, or communication barriers.

Effective feedback possesses three key attributes:

- **Immediacy**: Once you believe you have grasped your partner's message and their perspective, promptly offer your feedback. Prolonged delays risk losing the context and diminishing the impact of your message. Delayed feedback, especially in discussions of sensitive topics, can intensify discomfort and anxiety for both parties.

- **Honesty**: Honesty is paramount in communication, as it nurtures mutual understanding and trust between partners. Transparently expressing thoughts and feelings is crucial, as dishonesty over time erodes trust and widens the gap between individuals.

- **Supportiveness**: The objective of honesty in communication is to promote mutual understanding, not to inflict harm or distress upon your partner. Exercise care to convey feedback in a gentle and considerate manner, tailored to your partner's sensitivities. Avoid the unnecessary expression of thoughts that do not contribute to a deeper understanding of the topic under discussion.

Moreover, when sharing honest feedback, ensure its relevance to the ongoing conversation. Extraneous thoughts or unrelated content may hinder the quest for mutual understanding.

Incorporating emotions into your feedback is permissible, provided you describe your emotions rather than using them as weapons. Phrases such as "I feel sad," "hurt," or "upset" are preferable to accusations like "you are making me feel sad" or "hurt."

In the upcoming chapter, we will delve deeper into the realm of communication, offering strategies to elevate your communication skills even further. Are you prepared to embark on this journey to enhance your communication prowess?

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**Principle #5: Active Listening**

Active listening is a foundational skill in effective communication, grounded in curiosity and a genuine desire to comprehend the other person, alleviate emotional distress, and achieve shared objectives. There are specific situations during communication where active listening becomes a valuable tool:

1. **When the Topic is Emotionally Charged:**

- When your partner is expressing something of significant emotional importance, evident through the intensity of their emotions or repeated emphasis on a particular point.

- When the subject matter is crucial to you, such as answering a question you've posed or elaborating on a topic of personal significance.

- When there is a sense of misunderstanding or a recurring failure to grasp each other's perspectives.

Active listening involves three key stages:

**1. Paraphrasing:**

- In this stage, you restate what you understand your partner to be saying in your own words. It's a way of confirming your comprehension and allowing your partner to correct any misinterpretations. For example:

- "So, are you expressing frustration with me working long hours?"

- "I hear that you feel I prioritize my other friends over you. Have I captured your point accurately?"

- "Are you suggesting that when I suggest decluttering, you perceive it as criticism?"

- Paraphrasing serves two purposes: it enables your partner to clarify any misunderstandings and fosters a sense of being heard, promoting a calmer and more open atmosphere for further dialogue.

**2. Clarifying:**

- After paraphrasing, your partner may confirm understanding or indicate a misinterpretation. If there's a misunderstanding, clarifying is the next step.

- Your partner may volunteer additional information, or you can ask respectful questions to encourage them to share more about their perspective. Questions like:

- "Can you help me understand what I misunderstood?"

- "Could you describe what you mean by this?"

- "I'm struggling to grasp your perspective on this. Can we delve into it further?"

- "Can you help me understand what leads you to think or feel this way?"

- "When people say this, it can mean different things. What specifically are you referring to?"

- It's crucial to attentively listen as your partner clarifies their thoughts, respecting their choice in answering. Understanding that your partner may think or feel differently than you would in the same situation is essential for effective communication.

**3. Feedback:**

- After actively listening, paraphrasing, and clarifying to ensure a clear understanding, it's your turn to provide feedback.

- Remember, effective feedback possesses three characteristics:

- **Immediate:** Convey your feedback promptly to prevent loss of context and maintain the message's impact. Delays can lead to discomfort and anxiety.

- **Honest:** The goal of communication is mutual understanding, demanding complete honesty. Lack of honesty erodes trust and widens the gap between islands.

- **Supportive:** Honesty should aim at fostering understanding, not causing harm. Express thoughts and feelings honestly but consider your partner's sensitivities to minimize defensiveness or emotional hurt.

- During feedback, you can share your thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and opinions. Express your viewpoint without blame, aggression, or blocking. If emotions are communicated, describe them rather than attacking with them (e.g., "I feel sad" rather than "You're making me feel sad").

This multifaceted approach to active listening enhances communication by promoting mutual understanding, building trust, and creating an environment conducive to healthy, open dialogue. In the next chapter, we will delve even deeper into the intricacies of communication. Are you ready to elevate your communication skills further?

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Effective listening in communication is underpinned by a sense of curiosity and a genuine desire to comprehend the other person, alleviate distress, and achieve common objectives. During conversations, certain moments arise when your partner communicates crucial information that is essential for mutual understanding. This occurs when:

1. **Importance to Your Partner**: Your partner emphasizes a point that holds significant emotional weight for them. This may be discerned from the intensity of their emotions or their persistence in reiterating the same point.

2. **Relevance to You**: The topic being discussed holds importance for you personally. This could be when your partner addresses a question you have or delves into a subject of great significance to you. Alternatively, it may arise if you suspect a misunderstanding or realize that both of you are consistently missing each other's points.

In such instances, active listening becomes a valuable tool, encompassing three distinct stages:

1. **Paraphrasing**: During paraphrasing, you restate what you believe your partner has conveyed using your own words. This involves attentive listening to their remarks and then expressing your understanding in your own language. For example:

- "So, am I correct in understanding that you're upset with me for working long hours?"

- "I perceive that you feel neglected and believe I prioritize other friends over you. Is my interpretation accurate?"

- "Are you indicating that when I suggest we declutter and tidy up the house, you perceive it as criticism?"

Paraphrasing serves several purposes. Firstly, it enables your partner to rectify any misinterpretations, affording them the opportunity to clarify their intended message. Secondly, it conveys to your partner that their words are being attentively heard, fostering a sense of being listened to, which, in turn, promotes a calmer and more open exchange of ideas.

2. **Clarifying**: Following paraphrasing, your partner may respond in one of two ways:

- Indicate that you have accurately comprehended their message.

- Indicate that you have misunderstood or misjudged their intended message.

In cases of misunderstanding, it is essential to initiate clarification. Your partner may choose to provide further details or elucidate their perspective. Alternatively, you can ask questions that encourage them to offer clarification. It is crucial to approach this with respect for your partner's choice in responding and without creating an atmosphere of interrogation or pressure. For instance, you may ask:

- "Can you help me understand where I went wrong in my interpretation?"

- "Could you elaborate on your point?"

- "I'm struggling to grasp your perspective on this. Can we delve deeper into the topic?"

- "Can you explain what leads you to think or feel this way?"

- "Different people often interpret such statements differently. Can you specify what you mean?"

During clarification, it is imperative to actively listen to your partner's words, appreciating the nuances of their perspective, even if it diverges significantly from your own worldview or beliefs. This entails empathizing with their viewpoint, irrespective of personal agreement or disagreement.

3. **Feedback**: After actively listening to your partner, employing paraphrasing and clarification to gain a deeper understanding, it is your turn to respond with feedback. However, it is vital to ensure that you have correctly comprehended your partner's perspective before providing feedback. Skipping these preceding steps can result in irrelevant feedback that does not align with your partner's thoughts or emotions. Such misaligned communication often perpetuates separate narratives without genuine comprehension, potentially leading to communication breakdowns.

During the feedback stage, you have the opportunity to articulate your thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and opinions. You can share your perspective on the discussed matter, helping your partner understand your viewpoint and addressing any questions they may have. This stage serves as a platform to practice conveying your thoughts without blame, retaliation, or communication barriers.

Effective feedback embodies three key characteristics:

- **Immediacy**: Once you believe you have comprehended your partner's message, it is advisable to provide feedback promptly. Delays can lead to context erosion and reduced message efficacy, especially in sensitive discussions.

- **Honesty**: Honesty is paramount in communication, as the ultimate goal is to bridge the gap between your respective "islands" to foster genuine understanding. Lack of honesty can erode trust over time, pushing the "islands" further apart. Honesty entails presenting your genuine thoughts and feelings authentically, even if they involve disagreements or discomfort.

- **Supportiveness**: While being honest, it is essential to maintain a supportive tone. The aim of honesty is to facilitate mutual understanding, not to inflict harm or hurt. Therefore, take care to convey your feedback in a considerate manner, considering your partner's sensitivities and preferences to minimize defensiveness and emotional distress.

Furthermore, during feedback, emotions can be expressed. It is advisable to describe your emotions rather than deploying them as weapons. Sentences like "I feel sad, hurt, or upset" are preferable to those that assign blame, such as "You are making me feel sad, hurt, or upset."

In the subsequent chapter, we will delve deeper into the realm of communication, offering strategies to further enhance your communication skills. Are you ready to elevate your communication prowess to new heights?

Management of Emotions During Communication

Effective communication within relationships is closely intertwined with the management of emotions. Emotions have a profound impact on how individuals perceive, interpret, and respond to communication. Without proper emotional regulation, even the most refined communication skills may prove ineffective, as intense emotions can lead individuals to react impulsively, often deviating from their rational beliefs and intentions. Therefore, relationship therapists play a crucial role in providing clients with strategies for emotion regulation, fostering emotional intelligence, and promoting healthier communication patterns. Below, we explore various techniques and approaches that therapists can employ to help clients manage their emotions within the context of relationships and communication.

**The Influence of Unregulated Emotions on Communication:**

Unmanaged emotions can significantly hinder effective communication. For instance, when individuals are overwhelmed by intense emotions such as anger or frustration, their ability to engage in constructive dialogue may be compromised. These emotions can divert their focus away from a genuine desire to understand and be understood, leading them to resort to counterproductive communication strategies, such as blame, retaliation, or emotional withdrawal. Similarly, emotions like shame can trigger a defensive stance, where individuals prioritize protecting their self-image over fostering mutual understanding.

**Understanding the Impact of Emotional Hurt:**

During communication, particularly during conflicts or disagreements, emotional hurt can exacerbate the intensity of feelings and reactions. Emotional hurt often stems from experiences that challenge one's sense of self-worth or identity. When individuals perceive criticism, blame, or any form of invalidation, they may experience a wide range of distressing emotions, including shame, embarrassment, broken pride, feelings of inadequacy, being belittled, humiliation, anger, or resentment. These emotions can significantly impede productive communication, diverting the focus from understanding to self-protection.

**The Role of Emotion Exposure:**

To address the influence of unregulated emotions on communication, therapists can introduce clients to the concept of emotion exposure. Emotion exposure is a process that involves acknowledging, accepting, and processing one's emotions, particularly those that arise during communication and relational conflicts. This practice aims to help individuals gain greater self-awareness, enhance emotional resilience, and improve their capacity to engage in productive discussions even when emotions run high.

**When to Practice Emotion Exposure:**

Emotion exposure can be applied at various points during communication:

**Before Communication:** Prior to engaging in a conversation or conflict resolution, individuals may already be experiencing heightened emotions. For example, they may feel hurt by a friend's actions or anticipate a confrontation with a loved one. It is crucial to practice emotion exposure when:

- There is a risk that emotions may lead to unconstructive communication behaviors, such as yelling, blaming, or seeking revenge.

- There is a reluctance to communicate due to discomfort or fear of losing control over emotions.

Even when emotions feel overwhelming, it is essential to resist the urge to act on them impulsively and instead focus on emotional self-regulation through emotion exposure.

**During Communication:** While actively engaging in communication, individuals should remain attuned to the shifting landscape of their emotions. If emotions intensify to the point of clouding judgment or hindering effective communication, it is advisable to request a time-out. Establishing an agreement with one's partner beforehand for such breaks can be particularly helpful. Time-outs are intended to provide an opportunity for both parties to regain emotional composure and return to the conversation with greater clarity and receptivity.

**During a Time-Out:** When taking a time-out to manage emotions, individuals should find a quiet and comfortable space for emotion exposure. This process involves fully immersing oneself in the emotions, allowing them to be felt and understood. Key aspects of emotion exposure during a time-out include:

- **Maintaining Self-Awareness:** Individuals must remain aware of their emotional experiences without judgment. Emotions should be acknowledged without suppression or avoidance.

- **Recognizing the Impermanence of Emotions:** Understanding that emotions are transient and ever-changing is essential. Emotions may feel overwhelming in the moment, but they do not define one's entire reality.

- **Practicing Self-Compassion:** Self-compassion is crucial during emotion exposure. Individuals should remind themselves of their inherent worth and deservingness of love and understanding, even when experiencing challenging emotions.

- **Exploring Past Emotions:** Sometimes, current emotions may trigger unresolved past emotions. This is an opportunity to explore and address these underlying emotional patterns, either through open dialogue with one's partner or through introspection.

- **Attending to Physical Needs:** Basic physical needs, such as rest and nourishment, can significantly impact emotional regulation. Ensuring one's physical comfort can enhance the ability to manage emotions effectively.

**After Communication:** Even after a conversation or disagreement has been resolved rationally, residual emotions may persist. These emotions might lack a clear logical basis, yet they continue to affect one's state of mind. It is essential to allocate time for emotion exposure to process these lingering emotions. This practice fosters emotional resilience and prevents unresolved emotions from leading to further discord.

**Your Partner's Emotions:**

In addition to managing one's own emotions, individuals must be attuned to their partner's emotional experiences during communication. It is important to recognize that emotions do not always align with rational arguments. If rational discourse does not

alleviate a partner's emotional reactions, it should not come as a surprise. Here are some strategies for supporting a partner through their emotional experiences:

- **Offering Comfort:** When a partner is experiencing intense emotions, providing emotional comfort and understanding can be profoundly reassuring. Simple statements like, "I can see you're upset," or inquiries such as, "What would help you right now?" demonstrate empathy and care.

- **Avoid Personalizing Emotional Outbursts:** Emotional outbursts, even if directed toward a partner, are manifestations of inner turmoil rather than personal attacks. Recognize that these outbursts are expressions of distress rather than accurate reflections of a partner's feelings about you.

- **Giving Space and Time:** Acknowledge that sometimes a partner may require time and space to de-escalate their emotions. Agreeing in advance to take brief time-outs during intense discussions can be a mutually beneficial strategy.

- **Managing Intense Outbursts:** In cases of particularly intense emotional outbursts that pose a risk to oneself or others, it is crucial to establish clear boundaries and safety measures. Discussing these boundaries with a partner, especially when they are in a calmer state, can promote healthier emotional expression and behavior.

- **Reminding of the Transient Nature of Emotions:** Emphasize that emotions are transient and ever-changing. Encourage the understanding that emotional outbursts do not define a person's true character but reflect a temporary emotional state.

- **Promoting Emotional Responsibility:** Over time, encourage a partner to take responsibility for managing their own emotional reactions. This can involve jointly establishing rules and safety behaviors during emotional discussions, with both parties committed to maintaining them.

In summary, effective communication within relationships necessitates the skillful management of emotions. Therapists play a crucial role in guiding clients through the process of emotion exposure, helping them gain greater emotional awareness, resilience, and the capacity to engage in constructive dialogue even when emotions run high. Understanding the impact of emotional hurt, practicing emotion exposure at strategic points during communication, and supporting one's partner through their emotional experiences are all vital aspects of this principle. By cultivating emotional intelligence and regulation, individuals can enhance the quality of their relationships and their ability to navigate challenging conversations successfully.

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Principle # 6

Management of Emotions in Relationship Communication

Emotion regulation is a crucial aspect of effective communication within the context of relationships. Emotions, if left unchecked, can undermine even the best communication skills, as they often lead individuals to behave in ways that don't align with their rational beliefs. To ensure successful communication in therapy and relationships, therapists must equip clients with emotion regulation techniques. Here are some key strategies:

**Emotion Exposure:** When strong emotions like anger, frustration, or shame overwhelm individuals, effective communication becomes challenging. These intense emotions divert focus away from the primary goal of understanding and being understood and may lead to unproductive responses such as retaliation, blaming, or withdrawing.

Emotions stemming from damage to one's self-image, especially during communication, can be particularly explosive. Criticism, blame, or a sense of being in the wrong can trigger a range of intense emotions, including shame, embarrassment, broken pride, feelings of inadequacy, and humiliation. These emotions may compel individuals to shift their focus from mutual understanding to self-protection.

To address these emotional challenges, the practice of emotion exposure is vital. Over time, emotion exposure can help individuals build self-confidence, assertiveness, and the ability to remain calm during disagreements. It involves:

**Before Communication:** Emotions can be active even before communication begins. For instance, you may feel hurt due to something your friend did, and these emotions are already present as you approach them to discuss the issue. Alternatively, the act of communication itself may trigger emotions, such as the fear of confrontation. Emotion exposure is particularly important in these situations when:

- You sense that your emotions may hinder adherence to healthy communication rules (e.g., the temptation to yell or use blaming, vengeful, or hurtful language).

- You find yourself wanting to avoid communication because it feels uncomfortable or because you fear losing control of your emotions.

While emotions may be intense during these moments, resisting the urge to act impulsively and instead focusing on emotion exposure can be highly beneficial. This involves being patient, allowing emotions to be felt, and paying close attention to bodily sensations and thoughts.

**During Communication:** As you engage in a conversation, it's important to monitor your emotions while simultaneously paying attention to the content of the discussion. If emotions intensify or hinder effective communication, request a time-out.

Agreeing with your partner on the use of time-outs is helpful. It's best to establish this arrangement when emotions are not running high. The purpose of a time-out is not to avoid communication but to allow both parties to regain emotional composure. Once both partners feel calmer, they can reconvene and resume the discussion.

**During Time-Out:**

- Find a quiet space to practice emotion exposure. Take your time with this process; emotions will subside when they are ready.

- Remind yourself that you have control over your emotional reactions. Your partner's opinions do not define your worth.

- Practice self-compassion, acknowledging that even if your partner is critical or angry, you are still a valuable individual deserving of love.

- Reflect on old emotions that may be resurfacing in your current relationships and address them, either by discussing them with your partner or working through them internally.

- Attend to basic needs like hunger and fatigue, recognizing the connection between physical and emotional well-being.

**After Communication:** Sometimes, residual emotions linger even after a disagreement has been resolved rationally. These lingering emotions may not have an obvious cause. Emotions don't always follow logical reasoning, so it's important to give yourself time to process them.

Even when a rational resolution is reached, ongoing emotional distress in you or your partner can lead to continued bickering. Recognize when the conversation is no longer rational and acknowledge that this is due to unresolved emotions rather than a rational issue. This is an appropriate time to request another time-out and focus on addressing these emotions.

**Managing Your Partner's Emotions:**

Just as emotions affect you during communication, your partner may also experience emotional reactions. Emotions often defy reason and logic, so if your rational arguments don't immediately dissipate your partner's emotional reactions, it's not unusual.

Comfort your partner if they are experiencing intense emotions. Express empathy by acknowledging their emotional state and inquiring about how you can support them. Ensure they understand that they can request a time-out to regain emotional composure.

Avoid interpreting your partner's emotional outbursts as personal attacks. Instead, recognize them as expressions of inner turmoil. Even if their anger is directed at you, remember that it's an emotion, not a representation of their true self.

Give your partner the time they need to de-escalate their emotions. Make it clear that time-outs are not an escape from communication but a temporary break to restore emotional balance.

In situations of intense emotional outbursts that may endanger you or others, set assertive boundaries. Implement safety measures as necessary and discuss rules and safety behaviors with your partner once they have calmed down. Consistently uphold these boundaries to motivate your partner to develop emotional regulation skills.

In summary, effective communication within relationships requires not only effective communication skills but also the ability to manage emotions. Emotion exposure is a valuable technique that can help individuals navigate intense emotions before, during, and after communication. Additionally, understanding and supporting your partner's emotional experiences can contribute to healthier communication dynamics.

Concluding Insights

In this section, I will share excerpts from my book, "Mind Wellbeing - A Workbook & Manual for Achieving Mental Wellness and Healthy Relationships." The insights provided offer pragmatic solutions to some of the intricate complexities that can arise during relationship therapy. Understanding these scenarios is pivotal as we navigate the complexities of relationship therapy.

“16 Do's and Don'ts While Communicating

1. Make sure you address the other person's point - this may sound a bit obvious, but we often miss it when it comes to practice! If they raise a point, address it. Don't go past it. If they have a question, answer it. If they seem to be misunderstanding something, clarify it. If they have a concern, discuss it.

2. Put yourself in their shoes - one half of communication is about understanding the other person. Putting yourself in their shoes means seeing if you can understand how their thoughts work, what emotions they might be feeling and what makes them act or behave in the ways that they do. This will help you ask the right questions, clarify what's not clear, and then have empathy when needed. Here's a thing to remember: people are different. You might at times think to yourself, 'Something is missing. I really don't understand this person'. When you have that realisation, take it seriously. That realisation is your cue to stop and make it your aim to communicate more until you finally 'get' them.

Here's an important but delicate little detail though: putting yourself in someone else's shoes means that you try to understand them, not just assume that they think or feel the same way that you would think or feel. This is a very intricate little skill that we need to learn in order to communicate better. We need to stop guessing what the other person feels or thinks, and find out from them instead. We see the world through our own eyes and it's easy to assume that other people think or feel the same way we do. If I would feel jealous in a certain situation, I assume that my friend would feel jealous in that situation as well. If I don't tend to worry much, I assume that other people wouldn't either. If I tend to dislike myself because of how I look or behave, I assume that other people would dislike me too. If I think in a certain way, I assume that other people think in a similar way.

The reality is that people are super different to one another. Sometimes they might think or feel in a similar way to you, but at other times they don't. So always remind yourself of this principle and when putting yourself in their shoes, do your best to actually understand what it feels like to be inside their shoes. Not just assume that their shoes would feel like your shoes! Ask questions like: 'Can you tell me what you actually feel or think in this situation?' or 'What makes you feel or think this way? Can you help me understand you?'

Be particularly mindful of this rule where there are cultural differences - Everything down to the meanings attached to certain words, small body gestures or facial expressions is culturally defined. If you are communicating with a person from a different cultural background or social class, take particular care to stay away from interpreting what is said or done based on your existing knowledge. Always have a learning attitude. Ask, communicate, research.

3. Be simple and to the point - only say what is really on your mind, in a clear and simple way. When we act on emotions, it's tempting to hide what is really bothering us, and instead say things that are emotionally charged, while confusing the listener about what the actual point is.

Here's an example. Ava is meant to catch up with her brother on Saturday night. He messages on Saturday morning to tell her that he has just caught a cold and isn't well enough to see her. Her thoughts are: 'I must be a boring person. He keeps making excuses to get out of our catch ups. Maybe he doesn't like spending time with me. I bet he would rather see his friends who are more interesting than me.' Now, she could simply communicate these thoughts and seek clarification from her brother. But instead what she says to him is: 'I'm going to be all alone on Saturday night. I have no one to hang out with. I hate it when people cancel plans last minute. I really expect more notice so that I could have time to organise something else for myself. How bad is your cold anyway? The weather is warm, why would you catch a cold this time of the year?' Her brother won't understand Ava's real concern based on what she just said. She has said 4 or 5 different points, but none of these points are what's really bothering her. Her brother feels confused. He doesn't know which one of the points to respond to. He also feels that Ava is being unfair and accusing him of stuff. So instead he goes in with his own defensive remarks: 'You're being very unreasonable. It's not like I could predict a cold coming. Why is there always drama with you? People cancel plans, get over it. Plenty of people catch colds in summer. I can't control getting sick!'

Well, of course by this stage not only does Ava not feel better, but her initial hurt has increased due to her brother's new attacks and accusations. He just doesn't seem to get how upset she is! So she attacks back: 'Oh, there is no reasoning with you! You just don't get it. You never care about anyone but yourself.'

As you can see, it's easy for this argument to escalate. An alternative, more helpful, way of communicating would have been for Ava to communicate exactly and only what was on her mind in the first place:

Ava: 'Something is upsetting me a bit. Can we talk about it?'

Ava's brother: 'Sure, what's wrong?'

Ava: 'I've been feeling a bit insecure about our relationship lately. I feel like you're not very keen to meet up with me. I sometimes wonder if you enjoy hanging out with me.'

Ava's brother: 'Oh, why do you think that? Did I do something?'

Ava: 'Well you've cancelled our catch up plans a few times lately. I felt like each time there was another reason why we couldn't catch up.'

Ava's brother: 'Well, I was sick the other night. But to be honest, there is a reason I’ve been trying to get out of our catch ups. I feel at times you can criticise me a bit and I’m feeling insecure myself at the moment.'

Ava: 'I'm sorry. A lot of what I say is because I worry for your wellbeing. I didn't think you would see my concerns as criticism. I will try to stop that.'

As you can see, once they started communicating with honesty and saying only what was really on their mind, the communication took a completely different turn. It was easy for Ava's brother to understand her and to respond to her concerns.

4. Be specific - don't use ambiguous, abstract or over-generalised ideas. The more specific you can be in communication, the more you are facilitating understanding. For example, saying 'you don't listen to me!' is too general. It's better to say 'yesterday when I was telling you about xyz, I felt like you weren't listening to me'. This allows the other person to understand and respond to your specific points. Statements like 'you don't listen to me' don't leave room for ongoing rational exchange of ideas about the topic. If your partner uses generalised statements, ask them for examples.

5. Call it - you're learning so much about communication in these chapters. Yet, you or your partner could at times break the rules of communication or use unhelpful strategies. If you notice it, don't be afraid to bring it up. Describe what you think is going on that's halting the process of communication. And then listen as your partner gives their view of what they think is going on. In other words, use your skills in communication to communicate about communication! It's a worthwhile discussion to be had. Communication is like teamwork. Work together to improve the skill.

6. Correct thought errors - we know that thoughts can have errors in them. Those thoughts that you and your partner are communicating to each other are no exception. If you notice a thought error, don't be afraid to gently and kindly point it out. Just as you have learned to notice your own thought errors and correct them, notice any logic errors that come into the conversation with your partner. As you speak to your partner about these errors, take care to use language that is gentle and doesn't sound derogatory in any way. You could simply say things like 'have you considered this other angle…?', 'do you think there might be a chance that what really happened was xyz?'

7. Make sure you're talking about the same thing - sometimes in communication the two people may seem to be discussing the same thing, but they are each talking about something quite different. So they just never reach a resolution! Here's an example:

Eva: You always let friends walk over us. You don't stand up to them.

Andre: If our friends mistreat us, I can't be responsible for that! I'm only responsible for my own behaviour.

Eva: You are too nice to people. We need to have boundaries! I don't understand why you don’t care enough to do something about this!

Andre: Look, I can't control how other people behave. Other people mistreat us and I get blamed for it?

Do you see the problem here? At first, it may look like they're talking about the same thing and addressing each other's points. But in reality, Eva is talking about Andre’s behaviour and Andre is talking about other people's behaviour. Eva is suggesting that Andre needs to change something about his approach. Andre is saying that he's not responsible for other people's actions. At no point, do either of them pause and address the other person's concern.

How could this change? Eva could 'call it'. This means that she could stop and point out that they are each talking about different things and not addressing each other's points. She could then say something like: 'I'm not blaming you for the actions of others. That seems to be a misunderstanding. My concern is about your behaviour, not other people's.’ Or Andre could stop and change his points to make them relevant to what Eva is saying. For example, he might say: 'this is how I'm used to behaving. I don’t like confrontation, so I try to avoid it, even if it means not standing up for myself. It causes me anxiety to do anything differently.' Once they finally begin talking about the same issue, they can delve deeper, understand each other better and find better solutions. For example, once Eva finally understands the real reason for Andre’s behaviour, she could feel more empathy for his challenges and work with him as a team, instead of blaming him for not doing better.

8. Don't give in to the urge to derail - we've already learned the importance of sticking to one subject at a time when communicating. But at times, emotions and passive thinking will push us to lose track of what we're discussing. Picture communication as a tree branch. Your job is to follow one branch and get to the end of it. Then if there are other branches, you can get to them later. But derailing means that you never get to the end of your branch, because at every juncture, you go off to a different branch, and from there to another branch and another branch. You find yourself lost and confused after a while. Here's an example of a conversation between a couple:

Noah: You’ve got to stop insulting and attacking me for no reason. I can’t believe how many insults you threw at me on Saturday when all I was doing was offering help to take our daughter to her piano classes?

Ella: You were going to take her to the piano classes in that embarrassing car. Why can't you spend a bit of money and buy a car that doesn't embarrass our family all the time?

Noah: You don't understand anything about our finances. Maybe if you didn't leave everything up to me to do, you'd understand that we can't afford a better car.

Ella: So you're saying that I sit around all day doing nothing? I'm sick of you undermining everything I do around this house!

What would be a good way for this couple to resolve their differences? Firstly, both Ella and Noah could do their best to avoid making inflammatory remarks. Any statement that triggers new emotions within the other person, increases the chances of an urge to derail the conversation into new directions and away from the main concerns. Can you see any points where Ella or Noah could have omitted comments that triggered new emotions in the other person?

Once the derailing started, what could the couple do to help prevent it from escalating? Either one of them could stop and 'call it'. They could say something like 'hang on, we're talking about too many points here. Let's stick to one point at a time'. After that, they could try to identify the main point to focus on. So, for example, Ella could say, 'On Saturday I wasn't just trying to pick on you for offering to take our daughter to her piano classes. There was more to it than that, but we can come back to that later. For now let’s stick to the main issue that you wanted to talk about, which is you feeling like I attack and insult you a lot'. Or Noah could say something like 'I know you're unhappy that I'm not buying a better car, and you know that I have my own thoughts about that topic, which I can try to clarify later. But first, could we talk about the way we talk to each other? Is there a way for you to disagree with me without using insults?

As you can see, sticking to the main point takes mental discipline from all parties. If you notice that your emotions are causing you to derail, stop and work through the emotions. If your partner derails, don't fall for it. Bring them back to the original topic. If they are too distracted or emotional to stick to the main topic, give them paper and pen and get them to write down any unrelated matters that come to their mind for another discussion later. You can be assertive and let your partner know that your debate will never resolve in this manner. See if you can get them to agree that you need to stick to one topic at a time if you are to get anywhere. Keep in mind that at times people with very busy minds struggle to stay focused on one topic. Once they at least agree with you in principle, come up with a creative way together to stay on one topic at a time. You could use creative approaches like writing all the ideas on a big piece of paper to help you make decisions on what points to talk about first.

9. Get into the same team - while communicating you often have the choice to either bring the other person into the same team as you, make them feel like you are both on the same side and can collaborate, OR you can raise their defences and give them the impression that you are two competing teams who need to enter a battle. Which choice do you think is smarter to go with? Of course, if they are in your team, they will be more receptive to what you have to say. Their emotions will be calmer and less likely to interrupt healthy communication. Instead of feeling defensive, there will be real listening.

So how can you bring the other person into your team? Firstly, don't allow emotions like anger to cause you to say things in a way that you know will trigger the other person. Be especially mindful of hurting their self-image. The moment you have hurt their self-image, you've lost yourself an audience. They will now try to use the rest of the conversation to repair their self-image, trying to get rid of feelings of shame, humiliation, anger or hurt. So, as you talk about sensitive things, be mindful of how the other person may see them. Describe your points in a way that would help them understand your side of the story, rather than being triggered by it. Choose your language wisely. Leave triggering words or phrases out and instead use words or phrases that will communicate the same points in a way that's not so triggering.

Another step to helping the other person get into your team is to find common things that you both want. If your child refuses to help with the chores, nagging them about how irresponsible they are being will push them into the other team. Instead you could say something like 'I’m feeling a bit tired and drained from doing house work and it’s getting in the way of me being able to relax and have fun with you. Could you help out after dinner and then we can play a board game together?’

Saying things like: 'You're tired? So what? I'm more tired!', 'You think I was mean to you? Well what about the other day when you were mean to me?' will push the person into the other team. They will feel like they need to do everything they can to prove you wrong and make you hear their points. Jumping into the same team means that instead of tit for tat, we can acknowledge our common issues that need work. So, you might say 'So we are both tired and have very little time for rest. What can we do about that?', or 'Do you agree that we've both been a bit mean to each other lately? How can we change that?'

10. Be opportunistic - notice opportunities for communication and act on them. For example, if someone reaches out to talk to you about something you did which has upset them, this is an opportunity for communication. There may be a misunderstanding that needs to be corrected. They may need to understand your position better. Or you may need to understand theirs better. It's not personal. Don't be offended. They are not trying to hurt or disrespect you. They are trying to connect with you. So be happy about this opportunity. In fact, if they only hint at the idea that they are upset with you, or are unhappy with something you've done, grab that opportunity and find out what's on their mind. Maybe they don't have the communication skills to talk to you more openly. But now you do have those skills. So, don't let things go unsaid. Invite them to open up and be honest. Even if it's painful to hear what they have to say, it will be worth it in the end. Don't allow the emotional pain to cause you to avoid. It's also worth mentioning that sarcastic remarks are often a sign that the person has something on their mind but doesn't have the courage to say it openly. Don't let the moment pass. Ask them what they meant by their sarcastic remark.

11. Let them tell you what they feel - during communication, each person has the highest authority to talk about their own thoughts, emotions or other inner processes. What we mean by that is that you are in the best position to tell others what you think, feel, believe or want. And your partner is in the best position to tell you what they think, feel, believe or want. It's not your job to tell them what is on their mind, and it's not their job to tell you what is on yours. If you say things that suggest that you know better than them what they are thinking or feeling, you are essentially taking away their power to trust their own judgement. Or you're telling them that you don't trust them enough to tell you what's going on for them. Ask questions like 'How do you feel about this?', 'It seems like you're feeling a bit worried. Am I right?', 'Why is it that you seem to not like it when I ask you this question?' Don't make statements like 'I know you think this way', 'I know you feel that way', 'You react negatively because you're trying to control things', 'You act all high and mighty because you think you're better than others'. Give them the respect and trust to tell you why they acted in a certain way, or why they said certain things.

There is one exception to this rule: At times you may have genuinely lost trust that your partner communicates their thoughts or emotions in an honest way. If this is the case, be clear about the issue. Instead of passively discounting everything they say, speak to them with honesty about your reasons for losing trust in their integrity. That way, you can open the gates of communication around this trust issue.

12. Say 'sorry' - don't be afraid to admit to being wrong. While communicating, if you notice you have been wrong, over even a small detail, don't hesitate to acknowledge it. If necessary, apologise. Being wrong is human. During a disagreement, its common for both parties to make the occasional communication error when under the influence of emotions or misunderstandings. So, when you notice yours, own up to it. This will not make you 'the wrong one', or make the other person 'win' the argument. On the contrary, it may: a) help them feel that they are communicating with a fair person; b) help lower their defences and so make them a lot more receptive to all the other points you may have to say. Maybe they will also find the courage to say sorry back to you where they have been wrong. If, at times, the other person tries to take advantage of your genuine apology, call it! This may be food for a new topic of discussion with the person.

13. Notice subtle things - the art of communication is full of intricacies. At times things are not what they appear to be at all. You may be convinced that you understand a behaviour or a statement. But investigation shows very subtle but very important differences to what you had understood. So, look for subtleties. Investigate things with a fine-toothed comb! Here's an example. Two friends, Kym and Asha, were having a meal at a restaurant. Asha realised that she had forgotten her wallet. Of course, Kym offered to pay for her meal. But while offering, she made it clear, several times, that it was a loan and that she needed the money back soon. Asha felt hurt, but because she knew the rules of healthy relationships, she talked to Kym about it. Here is how their conversation went:

Asha: I felt hurt that you kept bringing up that you needed the money back.

Kym: Sorry. It's just that I'm having a lot of financial issues at the moment, so I've been feeling a bit anxious about money.

Asha: I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed about money at the moment. What actually upset me, though, was that it sounded like you doubted that I would volunteer to pay you back. Of course I'll pay you back as soon as possible.

Can you see that Asha skilfully noticed that the conversation was about to go in a different direction to what she had intended, as Kym had not understood Asha’s actual concern. So Asha was able to clarify and redirect the conversation.

Kym: Oh no, of course I know that you would intend to pay me back as soon as possible. It's not that at all.

Kym is really clever here by first setting Asha's mind at peace and reassuring her that she had no doubt that she was planning to pay her back. Then she went on to clarify why she acted in that way…

Kym: I just thought that you might forget because I have a terrible memory myself and I'm always forgetting to pay people back when I owe them money! I just assumed that you might forget as well.

Asha: Oh okay. That makes sense. It hadn't occurred to me that you would be concerned about that.

Asha listened well and quickly understood Kym's point. It wasn't personal. In her moment of anxiety around finances, Kym had panicked, thinking that Asha might forget to pay her back. Of course, if it wasn't because of their skillful communication, this incident might have put a strain on Asha and Kym's friendship.

14. Don't get caught up in communication games - emotions can cause us to play all kinds of mind games during communication. These games are rarely helpful. Here's an example of a conversation between a couple:

Fiona - We are fighting every day. If we want our marriage to survive, we need to be able to sort out our differences.

Doug - You never wanted to be with me in the first place. If you want to leave me, you can just leave. No one is stopping you.

Fiona - But I'm saying that I want to fix our problems, not leave you.

Doug - I know what you really want. I bet you've met someone better.

Communication games often involve one party intentionally twisting what's being said, usually because of a defensive, emotionally charged stance around the subject. Communication games are different to genuine misunderstandings. There is an unwillingness to hear the other person and an intentional manipulation of what's being said. There could be many reasons for this kind of behaviour, including angry and passive aggressive emotions. In simple words, they are too angry or hurt to want to hear you. At times, what you're seeing is the result of a person who has such a negative self-image that they feel a strong urge to defend themselves by deflecting.

As you can see, this would make it nearly impossible for the two people to ever reach a resolution. Instead of the two islands getting closer to each other, they start to mistrust the boat of communication. They start to believe that the information communicated can't be trusted. Over time, this will encourage more and more game playing.

How could this problem be resolved? Well, as a first step Fiona needs to stop and ‘call it’. She would need to openly speak about the communication block that's affecting them. She could then inquire about the deeper issues that are causing her partner to play these communication games. As a final step, the couple could set a new rule that, from that point on, they would only say what they mean and would take each other’s statements at face value. What their partner says is what they mean. This is is an important rule that can gradually establish a new pattern within relationships where there are no hidden meanings behind words. What you mean is what you say. If both Fiona and Doug committed to trying to practice this new rule, gradually communication could become simpler and easier between them. Of course, for people who have lived a lifetime learning that words have double meanings, or have learned to sooth their emotions by resorting to communication games, these habits may take time to wear off. Speak to your partner about these each time they happen again so that you can gradually mould your relationship into one that can create trust and safety for both.

15. If someone breaks your trust, don't stop talking to them - people who have been hurt in the past, often develop a theory to explain why they have been hurt. The theory could be that people hurt you because:

They don't care about you.

They look down on you.

They don't have your best interests at heart.

They are selfish and only care about themselves.

They are humiliating you or laughing at your misfortunes.

Or, on the other hand, you might think that there is something wrong with you that has made you a target. For example, you might think that:

You are weak.

You are unlikable.

You are uncool.

You are too different from others.

These are just a few of the explanations you might have found for the wrongs that others have done to you. However, these theories are often far from the truth. The reality is that people are all so different and the reasons for their behaviours are diverse. Even two individuals who have broken your trust in exactly the same way may have had two completely different reasons for their behaviour. Understanding their reasons can help you understand that other people may not always view you in the way you have been conditioned to believe.

It may be tempting to stop communicating with a person who has broken your trust, but for the sake of your own mental health, try to resist making a habit of doing this. Find out why they did it. Find out how their mind works and what caused them to behave that way. It's easy to assume that they hurt you because of whatever old theory you have about yourself or about them. But there's always a chance that what really happened was not exactly what it looks like, or that there is a lot more to the story than meets the eye. Communicating with people who have broken your trust is also important because, if you don't, you run the risk of doubting your own ability to judge who can and cannot be trusted. You essentially lose trust in your own judgement. You may even begin to feel that you can't trust anyone at all.

Please note: this doesn't necessarily mean that you have to give your trust back to the person. If, after thorough communication using all the skills you've learned in this course, you are still firm in your belief that you should not trust this person, then at least you can walk away with a greater understanding of them or a better feeling about yourself.

16. Don't give them the impression that you agree, if you really disagree - this one might seem a bit harmless. You're kind of tired of talking about the issue and want the conversation to be over. Or you can't be bothered arguing for your point. Or think that it's not important enough to be worth the effort. Or you may have many other reasons for giving them the impression that you agree with their idea, with their decision or with their argument. But sooner or later they may realise that you hadn't agreed at all. For example, during another conversation at a later point, you revert to what you actually think. Or even worse, if they turn out to be wrong, you begin blaming them for having made the wrong decision, even though at the time you had given the impression that you were on board with it. You had not tried hard enough to argue for a different decision by helping them understand your point of view.

The solution? We mentioned that honesty is important in communication. Dishonesty will make the other person begin to lose trust in the boat. So don't give them the false impression that you agree, if you don't. But if you are happy to let go of your position despite your disagreement, communicate that as well. Perhaps you can say that you still don't agree but are happy to try it their way. Or you could say that you still don't agree but are tired of continuing the discussion. Or the issue isn't important enough to you to continue debating it. Basically, say it like it is.

When it comes to decision making, teamwork means that you and your partner may not agree about the best course of action and may need to communicate as long as it takes to reach a decision that you're both happy with. This may take time and energy as you both put forth your arguments and together explore all the details. You may each be looking at the issue from a slightly different angle and the best decision becomes clear to you through talking more. But if you don't wish to put in that effort, that's completely okay. As long as you remember that if you choose to hand over the decision making to the other person, then you should not complain about the outcome if it doesn't turn out well. You made the decision to leave them in charge.“

(Excerpt from "Mind Wellbeing - A Workbook & Manual for Achieving Mental Wellness and Healthy Relationships," Chapter 11)

Summary of Therapeutic Steps

2: first brainstorm the complaints of the couple

3- identify what relationship type they fall into, educate the client about these

4- using a combination of psychoeducation and cognitive reappraisal, assist clients to identify their communication problems and barriers and correct these.

5- using active thinking help them communicate more effectively