Relationship Types
What makes some relationships healthy and long lasting, and others fragile or full of problems? Styles of communication play a pivotal role in determining the health and longevity of a relationship. The Fount model has categorised relationships into three primary types based on their communication patterns:
Type 1 - No Communication
In Type 1 relationships, individuals avoid discussing topics that might make them feel vulnerable or ignite conflict and confrontation. While they engage in everyday conversations about mundane subjects like the weather or current events without any issues, they steer clear of addressing deeper emotional concerns. Instances where they feel hurt by their partner's behavior, hold criticisms, or experience disagreements remain unspoken. On the surface, these relationships may appear tranquil and harmonious, with everyone seemingly getting along.
However, as previously discussed, misunderstandings are incredibly common in relationships. Regrettably, people in Type 1 relationships seldom find opportunities to address and resolve these misunderstandings. Consequently, beneath the facade of calmness, unspoken grudges, lingering hurt, and silent resentments fester. Over time, these unresolved emotions erode the foundation of affection and closeness. Individuals in such relationships gradually grow apart, and their emotional connection weakens. At times, one person in the relationship may silently harbor these sentiments, while the other remains blissfully unaware of any issues. They may mistakenly believe that their relationship is thriving without a hitch. However, a day may come when they are confronted with the deep-seated and irrevocable problems lurking in their partner's mind.
It's crucial to dispel the misconception that avoiding communication protects the other person. In reality, this silence does more harm than good. When suppressed emotions eventually come to light, the impact is far more profound and hurtful than addressing issues earlier would have been.
In this type of relationship, individuals often remain isolated, unable to truly understand each other's perspectives. Their lack of communication leads to assumptions about what others are like, and these assumptions can often be far from reality. This tendency to assume can be exacerbated by past experiences of being hurt by others, leading to a general mistrust of people. So we may find that individuals who suffer from mistrust frequently fall within this relationship type.
There are several reasons why people become Type 1 communicators:
1. Fear of Confrontation: Some individuals have strong negative emotions related to confrontation, such as fear, dread, anxiety, or shame. Overcoming this fear can be achieved through gradual exposure to these emotions and the use of cognitive reappraisal. It involves facing the fear step by step, building courage over time.
2. Desire for Peace: Some believe that avoiding conflict and disagreements is the key to maintaining trouble-free relationships. However, as we have learned, avoiding communication may seem to create short-term peace but can ultimately lead to relationship breakdowns in the long run. Reminding clients of this principle can help overcome the inclination to keep the peace at all costs.
3. Cultural and Normative Influences: Cultural factors and societal conventions can significantly impact communication patterns. If a culture discourages confrontation and conflict, individuals may find it challenging to go against these social norms. However, it's essential to recognise that culture and tradition can evolve, and individuals can play a role in promoting healthy communication practices. If cultural factors play a role in hindering healthy communication for your client, it is beneficial to engage in a culturally sensitive dialogue with your client, where you work collaboratively with your client to find communication strategies that respect their cultural values while also addressing any unhelpful dynamics. This process involves acknowledging the influence of culture on their communication patterns, validating their cultural experiences, and gradually introducing alternative approaches that align with both their cultural heritage and their desire for healthier relationships.
Type 2: Ineffective Communication
In the second type of relationship, people may appear to talk about their differences, but problems persist and seem to resurface repeatedly. Despite the appearance of communication, the focus tends to be misplaced, leading to ongoing issues rather than resolution.
Effective communication should center on deepening the understanding between the involved parties. However, in Type 2 relationships, communication is focused on the need to swiftly alleviate negative emotions, such as anger, resentment, or hurt feelings. Rather than seeking a better understanding of one another, the communication becomes a means to relieve these distressing emotions. Consequently, this unhelpful focus can inadvertently transform these relationships into battlegrounds, escalating conflicts rather than resolving them.
Emotionally driven communication within Type 2 includes blame, hurting back, harsh criticisms, threats, defensiveness, or blocking.
- Blame: This occurs when individuals concentrate on assigning blame and venting their anger towards the other party, rather than seeking to comprehend all perspectives and finding collaborative solutions. Blaming communication revolves around trying to figure out ‘whose fault it is’ and showering them with anger or punishment. Blame often counteracts compassion and self compassion and has a punitive and unforgiving flavour.
- Hurting Back: It involves acting on anger or hurt by inflicting pain on the other person, either physically or emotionally. This can manifest through hurtful comments, actions meant to cause harm, or subtle means like hurtful humor or sarcasm.
- Harsh Criticisms: Harsh criticisms serve as a form of retaliation. Criticism, when expressed with compassion and restraint, can be constructive. Such criticism is used sparingly and only when necessary, and every care is taken to use gentle words combined with positive, encouraging statements. However, within emotionally driven communication, criticism often becomes a means of punishment, devoid of concern for its impact on the other person. Under such circumstances, individuals criticise harshly or unnecessarily.
- Defensiveness: Defensiveness emerges as a response to emotions such as shame or hurt during communication. The problem with defensiveness is that it redirects our focus away from a crucial communication goal: understanding the other person better. When an individual becomes defensive, their main priority shifts from genuinely listening to the other person's perspective to protecting their own emotional comfort. This defensive stance hinders true understanding as individuals are more interested in validating their own viewpoint rather than comprehending the other person's perspective. Defensive individuals tend to rush to prove their own point and silence the other person, making deep and productive communication challenging.
It's vital to differentiate between feeling defensive and effectively communicating one's viewpoint. When individuals express their side of the story to another person, the intention should be to aid the other person in understanding their perspective while also demonstrating a willingness to understand the other person's viewpoint. However, in a defensive state, individuals concentrate solely on protecting their own position. A defensive individual finds it too uncomfortable to truly listen to the other person. They are in a rush to prove that their side is right and to silence the other person.
- Threats: Threats may be employed to release pent-up anger or coerce the other person into compliance. Often, threats arise when people feel helpless and uncertain about how to make the other person listen or cooperate. However, the use of threats in communication poses significant challenges. When threats are employed, the individual is met with defensive or self protective measures. The application of threats causes the other individual to feel unsafe, erodes their trust, and deters them from opening up. Instead of fostering a conducive environment for communication or understanding, the use of threats often elicits an emotional alienation. Addressing the impulse to resort to threats is crucial for creating a space where collaboration and understanding can thrive.
- Blocking Communication: Blocking communication manifests in various forms, such as abruptly exiting a conversation or conveying disinterest in hearing the partner's perspective. These include expressions like:
'I don't want to hear your excuses.'
'Here we go again.'
'Stop making a big deal out of everything.'
'I don't need to explain myself to you.'
'You should know. I shouldn't have to tell you.'
Employing such tactics leads to detrimental outcomes. The partner, feeling unheard, may intensify their efforts to communicate, resulting in a cycle of desperation. Alternatively, they might give up entirely, ceasing communication and fostering internal resentment. This conduct jeopardises the relationship, as the disconnection deepens, and interest wanes. Blocking communication hinders the potential for understanding and resolution. If a client has previously engaged in blocking communication, it is not too late to encourage openness. During moments of temptation to block, it is essential to recognise that dismissing the other person's thoughts does not make them vanish. Acknowledging the discomfort of communication and confronting the reality of the partner's perspective is an act of bravery crucial for relationship growth.
Type 3: Effective Communication
Type 3 relationships represent the gold standard for healthy and enduring connections. In contrast to Type 1 and Type 2 relationships, where individuals may experience drifting apart or escalating conflicts, Type 3 relationships exhibit a gradual deepening and enhancement of the bond over time. Within these relationships, people draw nearer to each other, savor each other's company, and witness a reduction in conflicts over time, with a concurrent increase in mutual understanding.
So, what characterises a Type 3 relationship? In Type 3, communication hinges on a sincere desire to comprehend the partner's perspective, as well as conveying one's own thoughts and emotions effectively. This understanding paves the way for collaborative problem-solving, wherein solutions are sought that satisfy all parties involved. These individuals exhibit courage by tackling conflicts head-on, striving to understand others' intentions. They assertively express their needs and ideas while maintaining a genuine commitment to listening and resolving misunderstandings. Notably, they steer clear of manipulative tactics and emotionally charged behaviors.
It's essential to point out that conflict and disagreements are not harmful to the health of relationships; instead, they signify a healthy process of reconciling differing worldviews. Therefore, individuals should not fear arguments, and the duration of an argument should not be perceived as indicative of relationship problems. Sometimes, it takes time for individuals with very different viewpoints to reach mutual understanding and discover common ground. The true measure of a healthy relationship lies in the approach to communication, rather than the speed of conflict resolution.
Guiding Clients Toward Type 3 Relationships
A central goal for relationship therapy is to help clients transition from Type 1 or Type 2 relationships into Type 3 relationships. This transformation involves a combination of psychoeducation, cognitive reappraisal, and therapeutic strategies which can be tailored for either individual therapy or couple therapy settings. Here are some strategies and approaches that can assist you in facilitating this transition:
1. Psychoeducation on Relationship Types: Start by providing psychoeducation on the three relationship types to the individual client or couple. Use simple language to explain the characteristics, dynamics, and potential consequences associated with each type.
2. Self-Reflection and Assessment: Encourage clients to reflect individually or with their partner on their communication patterns and relationship dynamics. Have them identify which type their relationship currently aligns with. This self-awareness forms the foundation for change.
3. Couple Assessment: Conduct joint sessions to assess the relationship as a whole. Discuss with the couple their shared communication patterns and how these may contribute to their current relationship type. Facilitate open and honest dialogue about their individual needs, emotions, and concerns.
4. Cognitive Reappraisal: Use cognitive reappraisal techniques to help clients reframe their beliefs and attitudes toward communication and conflict resolution. Challenge negative beliefs that may be hindering effective communication, such as the fear of confrontation or the belief that avoiding conflict preserves harmony.
5. Training in Healthy Alternatives: In the upcoming sections of this module, we will explore healthier strategies for communication and listening which can assist clients adopt more adaptive alternatives.