Communicating Character Traits and Emotional Needs
One of the foundational principles of successful relationship therapy is to shed light on the inner worlds of both individuals involved. Conflict often arises from the challenge of comprehending the inner worlds of other people. Each person carries a distinct set of experiences, shaped by their upbringing, childhood challenges, and the intricate web of their past. Childhood challenges, attachment styles, and the formation of core beliefs act as silent architects, constructing the intricate workings of one's psyche. Yet, these inner workings are often concealed beneath the surface, masked by the veneer of socially accepted behaviours and daily interactions. This diversity can give rise to behaviors, reactions, and communication styles that are perplexing to others or give raise to misunderstandings.
Imagine a scenario where one partner has never grappled with social anxiety or self-image issues, while the other faces these challenges daily. The former might find it difficult to comprehend the overwhelming anxiety or self-doubt that the latter experiences. Similarly, someone securely attached, who has a robust sense of trust and comfort in relationships, may struggle to grasp the emotions and behaviors of a partner with anxious or avoidant attachment styles. It's in these moments of confusion that conflict often arises. Misinterpretations can lead to personalisation, hurt feelings, frustration, and the erosion of trust. An important step in relationship therapy involves peeling back the intricate layers of each individual's inner experiences and the history that shaped their inner workings, in order to create better understanding between the individuals.
This understanding paves the way for profound empathy, minimises conflicts, and even goes as far as creating positive changes towards each individual’s mental health, attachment patterns etc. Research indicates that therapy focused on improving interpersonal skills can lead to long-lasting benefits for individuals' mental health, mood and reduced attachment issues.
Step 1: One on One Assessment
The role of the therapist in relationship therapy is akin to that of a bridge builder. To construct a sturdy bridge, one must understand the unique landscapes on both sides of the divide. Similarly, therapists must first comprehend the inner workings of each partner involved in the therapy process. This involves delving into each individual's history, childhood experiences, past traumas, attachment styles, and core beliefs in order to achieve an accurate assessment of their inner workings.
During this step, dedicated time is spent with each partner, both understanding their views and goals around the relationship, and conducting a thorough assessment of their psychological make up. Here's how to practically apply this within your relationship therapy sessions:
1. Ethical and Legal Considerations: Ensure you are well familiar with the ethical and legal guidelines applicable to your profession and practice location in regards to relationship therapy. Pay particular attention to topics like record-keeping, informed consent, and confidentiality in couple or family therapy, as these may be different to individual therapy sessions. Study relevant guidelines or seek supervision if in doubt. This is important as you must ensure both clients are informed about their rights and any confidentiality limits when they have private sessions with you.
2. Setting the Stage for Individual Exploration: At the onset of therapy, establish the importance of you spending some one on one time with each individual. Explain that this process is designed to help you as the therapist understand each individual within the relationship, as well as helping each individual understand themselves better, which is an important first step towards healthier relationships.
3. Allocate Specific Sessions: Dedicate specific sessions solely to Individual Exploration. Consider a balance that works for your clients. The amount of time spent on individual assessment versus joint sessions may vary based on the specific needs and circumstances of the couple. For example, you might spend one session individually exploring Partner A's history, attachment style, and self-image and the next session focusing on Partner B. Private, one-on-one sessions offer a safe space for open discussions.
4. The Assessment Process: Within each individual exploration session, you can use your assessment skills, including what you have learned in this course. This includes the use of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as your guiding framework, or when helpful, the Fount Mental Health Profile - An 11+4-Item Questionnaire (refer to Module 1 of the Fount Clinician course).
5. Putting to Use the Outcome of Individual Assessment: The information you gain through your individual assessment with each client can be used in the following ways:
To help you make therapeutic judgements that can assist in a myriad of ways. For example, you may decide that one or both partners also need to seek individual therapy and may decide to make referrals accordingly. Or if you realise that one partner suffers from deep attachment issues, you may decide to dedicate focused time within the relationship therapy sessions to building trust, encourage communication at times of perceived abandonment and so on.
To assist each individual gain self-awareness and understanding of their own needs, thoughts and emotions. This self awareness is necessary for effective communication as they develop their own ability to speak to their partner about what is on their mind or their unique needs or concerns.
To help you facilitate effective communication as the couple build the skills to communicate independently. For example, there may be times when, with the prior consent of Partner A, you may communicate to Partner B the psychological make up or needs of Partner A. It is important that this step is done with the utmost care and sensitivity, as communicating these factors without ensuring that sufficient education is in place, can result in Partner B applying unhelpful stigmas or using the information they have gained from you to blame or pigeonhole Partner B. This risk is particularly highlighted given the easy access to internet searches where certain mental health conditions are heavily stereotyped and even vilified (e.g. individuals with a diagnosis of narcissism appear to be heavily vilified and condemned in the popular culture, at times even by trained professionals). Untrained individuals are at the risk of stereotyping others and attempting to fit all their subsequent behaviour within the descriptions read on the internet. This can introduce a whole new level of communication breakdowns where, instead of actively trying to understand their partner with their unique thoughts, emotions or behaviours, they now pigeonhole their partner’s behaviours, while their attempts for genuine communication are dismissed or explained away. It is important for relationship therapists to be vigilant around such risks in order to actively prevent them from taking place during the course of relationship therapy. For example, proactively discourage your clients from believing everything they read or hear on the internet about various psychological make ups, discourage them from pigeonholing or labeling, and help them understand that all individuals are unique and the best way to understand their partner is to truly listen to them. This is not to say that understanding the general make up of a person’s personality is always unhelpful. For example, it may be helpful for Partner A to understand that Partner B grapples with attachment issues, self sacrifice schema or depression. But they need to understand that not everyone with these conditions presents in exactly the same way. Instead they need to understand how these conditions uniquely impact their partner. Furthermore, they need to understand not to use these as labels, as individuals do change. For example, as their partner’s condition improves through intervention or self help, they must be prepared to shed their old understanding of their partner in favour of the new.
11. Continual Evaluation: Continually evaluate the need for additional individual exploration sessions. Some partners may require more dedicated time for self-discovery and healing than others.
Step 2: Communication in Joined Sessions
Joint sessions are the heart of the relationship therapy process. They provide a space where clients can 1- learn about healthy communication skills, 2- practice these skills under the guidance of their therapist, and 3- gradually develop the confidence to continue communicating using these newly gained skills at home. Below are some of the steps to take during joined sessions:
1. Study Healthy Communication Skills: Allocate some time to teaching clients about the principles of healthy communication, including the 3 relationship types and unhelpful strategies such of blame, hurting back, harsh criticisms, defensiveness, threats and blocking.
2. Create a Safe Space: Establish a safe and non-judgmental space with the clients. This is foundational to productive discussions. Partners should feel free to express their thoughts and emotions without fear of criticism or reprisal. This can be achieved through arriving at an agreement by both clients that they will make an effort to refrain from unhelpful strategies such as blame, hurting back, harsh criticisms, defensiveness, threats and blocking.
3. Brainstorm and Set Goals: Spend some time brainstorming the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship from the point of view of each client. Discussing the strengths or what the clients are “happy” about in the relationship is important for two reasons. Firstly this can start the joined sessions on a positive note where the couple can hear what their partner appreciates about them or the relationship. This can also soften the effects of any areas of concern that may be disclosed later. Secondly, this can provide the therapist with an assessment of the strengths of the relationship and what connects the couple. Following this step, the couple discuss their areas of concern. During this step, the therapist can monitor and supervise the communication taking place to ensure that issues are raised using the communication strategies previously discussed, including refraining from a language of blame, hurting back, harsh criticisms, threats and blocking. Once both individuals have expressed their concerns, the therapist can point out similarities and differences between the couple’s list. Those concerns that are agreed upon by both individuals can easily be acknowledged by everyone as a goal for upcoming sessions. However, any items that are raised by one partner and not the other can be discussed further, in order to arrive at an agreement that they should also be addressed. This ensures that both individuals feel their concerns are valued and will be heard. Please refer to this module’s handouts for a helpful template to assist with this step.
4. Facilitate Communication: Finally, once the above steps are complete, your role as a relationship therapist becomes the facilitation of healthy communication between the individuals, through a structured platform where the partners interact, communicate, and work on their relationship dynamics. In the upcoming sections, we will explore several essential techniques and strategies to assist with this process. These techniques and strategies can assist the couple to listen more effectively, resolve conflict and disagreements and manage disruptive emotions during the course of communication. It is important that during the course of relationship therapy, clients are gradually trained and guided to apply these techniques and strategies. The aim is to impart these valuable communication tools, ensuring that couples not only understand them intellectually but also integrate them into the fabric of their interactions.