Concluding Insights

In this section, I will share excerpts from my book, "Mind Wellbeing - A Workbook & Manual for Achieving Mental Wellness and Healthy Relationships." The insights provided offer pragmatic solutions to some of the intricate complexities that can arise during relationship therapy. Understanding these scenarios is pivotal as we navigate the complexities of relationship therapy.

“16 Do's and Don'ts While Communicating

1. Make sure you address the other person's point - this may sound a bit obvious, but we often miss it when it comes to practice! If they raise a point, address it. Don't go past it. If they have a question, answer it. If they seem to be misunderstanding something, clarify it. If they have a concern, discuss it.

2. Put yourself in their shoes - one half of communication is about understanding the other person. Putting yourself in their shoes means seeing if you can understand how their thoughts work, what emotions they might be feeling and what makes them act or behave in the ways that they do. This will help you ask the right questions, clarify what's not clear, and then have empathy when needed. Here's a thing to remember: people are different. You might at times think to yourself, 'Something is missing. I really don't understand this person'. When you have that realisation, take it seriously. That realisation is your cue to stop and make it your aim to communicate more until you finally 'get' them.

Here's an important but delicate little detail though: putting yourself in someone else's shoes means that you try to understand them, not just assume that they think or feel the same way that you would think or feel. This is a very intricate little skill that we need to learn in order to communicate better. We need to stop guessing what the other person feels or thinks, and find out from them instead. We see the world through our own eyes and it's easy to assume that other people think or feel the same way we do. If I would feel jealous in a certain situation, I assume that my friend would feel jealous in that situation as well. If I don't tend to worry much, I assume that other people wouldn't either. If I tend to dislike myself because of how I look or behave, I assume that other people would dislike me too. If I think in a certain way, I assume that other people think in a similar way.

The reality is that people are super different to one another. Sometimes they might think or feel in a similar way to you, but at other times they don't. So always remind yourself of this principle and when putting yourself in their shoes, do your best to actually understand what it feels like to be inside their shoes. Not just assume that their shoes would feel like your shoes! Ask questions like: 'Can you tell me what you actually feel or think in this situation?' or 'What makes you feel or think this way? Can you help me understand you?'

Be particularly mindful of this rule where there are cultural differences - Everything down to the meanings attached to certain words, small body gestures or facial expressions is culturally defined. If you are communicating with a person from a different cultural background or social class, take particular care to stay away from interpreting what is said or done based on your existing knowledge. Always have a learning attitude. Ask, communicate, research.

3. Be simple and to the point - only say what is really on your mind, in a clear and simple way. When we act on emotions, it's tempting to hide what is really bothering us, and instead say things that are emotionally charged, while confusing the listener about what the actual point is.

Here's an example. Ava is meant to catch up with her brother on Saturday night. He messages on Saturday morning to tell her that he has just caught a cold and isn't well enough to see her. Her thoughts are: 'I must be a boring person. He keeps making excuses to get out of our catch ups. Maybe he doesn't like spending time with me. I bet he would rather see his friends who are more interesting than me.' Now, she could simply communicate these thoughts and seek clarification from her brother. But instead what she says to him is: 'I'm going to be all alone on Saturday night. I have no one to hang out with. I hate it when people cancel plans last minute. I really expect more notice so that I could have time to organise something else for myself. How bad is your cold anyway? The weather is warm, why would you catch a cold this time of the year?' Her brother won't understand Ava's real concern based on what she just said. She has said 4 or 5 different points, but none of these points are what's really bothering her. Her brother feels confused. He doesn't know which one of the points to respond to. He also feels that Ava is being unfair and accusing him of stuff. So instead he goes in with his own defensive remarks: 'You're being very unreasonable. It's not like I could predict a cold coming. Why is there always drama with you? People cancel plans, get over it. Plenty of people catch colds in summer. I can't control getting sick!'

Well, of course by this stage not only does Ava not feel better, but her initial hurt has increased due to her brother's new attacks and accusations. He just doesn't seem to get how upset she is! So she attacks back: 'Oh, there is no reasoning with you! You just don't get it. You never care about anyone but yourself.'

As you can see, it's easy for this argument to escalate. An alternative, more helpful, way of communicating would have been for Ava to communicate exactly and only what was on her mind in the first place:

Ava: 'Something is upsetting me a bit. Can we talk about it?'

Ava's brother: 'Sure, what's wrong?'

Ava: 'I've been feeling a bit insecure about our relationship lately. I feel like you're not very keen to meet up with me. I sometimes wonder if you enjoy hanging out with me.'

Ava's brother: 'Oh, why do you think that? Did I do something?'

Ava: 'Well you've cancelled our catch up plans a few times lately. I felt like each time there was another reason why we couldn't catch up.'

Ava's brother: 'Well, I was sick the other night. But to be honest, there is a reason I’ve been trying to get out of our catch ups. I feel at times you can criticise me a bit and I’m feeling insecure myself at the moment.'

Ava: 'I'm sorry. A lot of what I say is because I worry for your wellbeing. I didn't think you would see my concerns as criticism. I will try to stop that.'

As you can see, once they started communicating with honesty and saying only what was really on their mind, the communication took a completely different turn. It was easy for Ava's brother to understand her and to respond to her concerns.

4. Be specific - don't use ambiguous, abstract or over-generalised ideas. The more specific you can be in communication, the more you are facilitating understanding. For example, saying 'you don't listen to me!' is too general. It's better to say 'yesterday when I was telling you about xyz, I felt like you weren't listening to me'. This allows the other person to understand and respond to your specific points. Statements like 'you don't listen to me' don't leave room for ongoing rational exchange of ideas about the topic. If your partner uses generalised statements, ask them for examples.

5. Call it - you're learning so much about communication in these chapters. Yet, you or your partner could at times break the rules of communication or use unhelpful strategies. If you notice it, don't be afraid to bring it up. Describe what you think is going on that's halting the process of communication. And then listen as your partner gives their view of what they think is going on. In other words, use your skills in communication to communicate about communication! It's a worthwhile discussion to be had. Communication is like teamwork. Work together to improve the skill.

6. Correct thought errors - we know that thoughts can have errors in them. Those thoughts that you and your partner are communicating to each other are no exception. If you notice a thought error, don't be afraid to gently and kindly point it out. Just as you have learned to notice your own thought errors and correct them, notice any logic errors that come into the conversation with your partner. As you speak to your partner about these errors, take care to use language that is gentle and doesn't sound derogatory in any way. You could simply say things like 'have you considered this other angle…?', 'do you think there might be a chance that what really happened was xyz?'

7. Make sure you're talking about the same thing - sometimes in communication the two people may seem to be discussing the same thing, but they are each talking about something quite different. So they just never reach a resolution! Here's an example:

Eva: You always let friends walk over us. You don't stand up to them.

Andre: If our friends mistreat us, I can't be responsible for that! I'm only responsible for my own behaviour.

Eva: You are too nice to people. We need to have boundaries! I don't understand why you don’t care enough to do something about this!

Andre: Look, I can't control how other people behave. Other people mistreat us and I get blamed for it?

Do you see the problem here? At first, it may look like they're talking about the same thing and addressing each other's points. But in reality, Eva is talking about Andre’s behaviour and Andre is talking about other people's behaviour. Eva is suggesting that Andre needs to change something about his approach. Andre is saying that he's not responsible for other people's actions. At no point, do either of them pause and address the other person's concern.

How could this change? Eva could 'call it'. This means that she could stop and point out that they are each talking about different things and not addressing each other's points. She could then say something like: 'I'm not blaming you for the actions of others. That seems to be a misunderstanding. My concern is about your behaviour, not other people's.’ Or Andre could stop and change his points to make them relevant to what Eva is saying. For example, he might say: 'this is how I'm used to behaving. I don’t like confrontation, so I try to avoid it, even if it means not standing up for myself. It causes me anxiety to do anything differently.' Once they finally begin talking about the same issue, they can delve deeper, understand each other better and find better solutions. For example, once Eva finally understands the real reason for Andre’s behaviour, she could feel more empathy for his challenges and work with him as a team, instead of blaming him for not doing better.

8. Don't give in to the urge to derail - we've already learned the importance of sticking to one subject at a time when communicating. But at times, emotions and passive thinking will push us to lose track of what we're discussing. Picture communication as a tree branch. Your job is to follow one branch and get to the end of it. Then if there are other branches, you can get to them later. But derailing means that you never get to the end of your branch, because at every juncture, you go off to a different branch, and from there to another branch and another branch. You find yourself lost and confused after a while. Here's an example of a conversation between a couple:

Noah: You’ve got to stop insulting and attacking me for no reason. I can’t believe how many insults you threw at me on Saturday when all I was doing was offering help to take our daughter to her piano classes?

Ella: You were going to take her to the piano classes in that embarrassing car. Why can't you spend a bit of money and buy a car that doesn't embarrass our family all the time?

Noah: You don't understand anything about our finances. Maybe if you didn't leave everything up to me to do, you'd understand that we can't afford a better car.

Ella: So you're saying that I sit around all day doing nothing? I'm sick of you undermining everything I do around this house!

What would be a good way for this couple to resolve their differences? Firstly, both Ella and Noah could do their best to avoid making inflammatory remarks. Any statement that triggers new emotions within the other person, increases the chances of an urge to derail the conversation into new directions and away from the main concerns. Can you see any points where Ella or Noah could have omitted comments that triggered new emotions in the other person?

Once the derailing started, what could the couple do to help prevent it from escalating? Either one of them could stop and 'call it'. They could say something like 'hang on, we're talking about too many points here. Let's stick to one point at a time'. After that, they could try to identify the main point to focus on. So, for example, Ella could say, 'On Saturday I wasn't just trying to pick on you for offering to take our daughter to her piano classes. There was more to it than that, but we can come back to that later. For now let’s stick to the main issue that you wanted to talk about, which is you feeling like I attack and insult you a lot'. Or Noah could say something like 'I know you're unhappy that I'm not buying a better car, and you know that I have my own thoughts about that topic, which I can try to clarify later. But first, could we talk about the way we talk to each other? Is there a way for you to disagree with me without using insults?

As you can see, sticking to the main point takes mental discipline from all parties. If you notice that your emotions are causing you to derail, stop and work through the emotions. If your partner derails, don't fall for it. Bring them back to the original topic. If they are too distracted or emotional to stick to the main topic, give them paper and pen and get them to write down any unrelated matters that come to their mind for another discussion later. You can be assertive and let your partner know that your debate will never resolve in this manner. See if you can get them to agree that you need to stick to one topic at a time if you are to get anywhere. Keep in mind that at times people with very busy minds struggle to stay focused on one topic. Once they at least agree with you in principle, come up with a creative way together to stay on one topic at a time. You could use creative approaches like writing all the ideas on a big piece of paper to help you make decisions on what points to talk about first.

9. Get into the same team - while communicating you often have the choice to either bring the other person into the same team as you, make them feel like you are both on the same side and can collaborate, OR you can raise their defences and give them the impression that you are two competing teams who need to enter a battle. Which choice do you think is smarter to go with? Of course, if they are in your team, they will be more receptive to what you have to say. Their emotions will be calmer and less likely to interrupt healthy communication. Instead of feeling defensive, there will be real listening.

So how can you bring the other person into your team? Firstly, don't allow emotions like anger to cause you to say things in a way that you know will trigger the other person. Be especially mindful of hurting their self-image. The moment you have hurt their self-image, you've lost yourself an audience. They will now try to use the rest of the conversation to repair their self-image, trying to get rid of feelings of shame, humiliation, anger or hurt. So, as you talk about sensitive things, be mindful of how the other person may see them. Describe your points in a way that would help them understand your side of the story, rather than being triggered by it. Choose your language wisely. Leave triggering words or phrases out and instead use words or phrases that will communicate the same points in a way that's not so triggering.

Another step to helping the other person get into your team is to find common things that you both want. If your child refuses to help with the chores, nagging them about how irresponsible they are being will push them into the other team. Instead you could say something like 'I’m feeling a bit tired and drained from doing house work and it’s getting in the way of me being able to relax and have fun with you. Could you help out after dinner and then we can play a board game together?’

Saying things like: 'You're tired? So what? I'm more tired!', 'You think I was mean to you? Well what about the other day when you were mean to me?' will push the person into the other team. They will feel like they need to do everything they can to prove you wrong and make you hear their points. Jumping into the same team means that instead of tit for tat, we can acknowledge our common issues that need work. So, you might say 'So we are both tired and have very little time for rest. What can we do about that?', or 'Do you agree that we've both been a bit mean to each other lately? How can we change that?'

10. Be opportunistic - notice opportunities for communication and act on them. For example, if someone reaches out to talk to you about something you did which has upset them, this is an opportunity for communication. There may be a misunderstanding that needs to be corrected. They may need to understand your position better. Or you may need to understand theirs better. It's not personal. Don't be offended. They are not trying to hurt or disrespect you. They are trying to connect with you. So be happy about this opportunity. In fact, if they only hint at the idea that they are upset with you, or are unhappy with something you've done, grab that opportunity and find out what's on their mind. Maybe they don't have the communication skills to talk to you more openly. But now you do have those skills. So, don't let things go unsaid. Invite them to open up and be honest. Even if it's painful to hear what they have to say, it will be worth it in the end. Don't allow the emotional pain to cause you to avoid. It's also worth mentioning that sarcastic remarks are often a sign that the person has something on their mind but doesn't have the courage to say it openly. Don't let the moment pass. Ask them what they meant by their sarcastic remark.

11. Let them tell you what they feel - during communication, each person has the highest authority to talk about their own thoughts, emotions or other inner processes. What we mean by that is that you are in the best position to tell others what you think, feel, believe or want. And your partner is in the best position to tell you what they think, feel, believe or want. It's not your job to tell them what is on their mind, and it's not their job to tell you what is on yours. If you say things that suggest that you know better than them what they are thinking or feeling, you are essentially taking away their power to trust their own judgement. Or you're telling them that you don't trust them enough to tell you what's going on for them. Ask questions like 'How do you feel about this?', 'It seems like you're feeling a bit worried. Am I right?', 'Why is it that you seem to not like it when I ask you this question?' Don't make statements like 'I know you think this way', 'I know you feel that way', 'You react negatively because you're trying to control things', 'You act all high and mighty because you think you're better than others'. Give them the respect and trust to tell you why they acted in a certain way, or why they said certain things.

There is one exception to this rule: At times you may have genuinely lost trust that your partner communicates their thoughts or emotions in an honest way. If this is the case, be clear about the issue. Instead of passively discounting everything they say, speak to them with honesty about your reasons for losing trust in their integrity. That way, you can open the gates of communication around this trust issue.

12. Say 'sorry' - don't be afraid to admit to being wrong. While communicating, if you notice you have been wrong, over even a small detail, don't hesitate to acknowledge it. If necessary, apologise. Being wrong is human. During a disagreement, its common for both parties to make the occasional communication error when under the influence of emotions or misunderstandings. So, when you notice yours, own up to it. This will not make you 'the wrong one', or make the other person 'win' the argument. On the contrary, it may: a) help them feel that they are communicating with a fair person; b) help lower their defences and so make them a lot more receptive to all the other points you may have to say. Maybe they will also find the courage to say sorry back to you where they have been wrong. If, at times, the other person tries to take advantage of your genuine apology, call it! This may be food for a new topic of discussion with the person.

13. Notice subtle things - the art of communication is full of intricacies. At times things are not what they appear to be at all. You may be convinced that you understand a behaviour or a statement. But investigation shows very subtle but very important differences to what you had understood. So, look for subtleties. Investigate things with a fine-toothed comb! Here's an example. Two friends, Kym and Asha, were having a meal at a restaurant. Asha realised that she had forgotten her wallet. Of course, Kym offered to pay for her meal. But while offering, she made it clear, several times, that it was a loan and that she needed the money back soon. Asha felt hurt, but because she knew the rules of healthy relationships, she talked to Kym about it. Here is how their conversation went:

Asha: I felt hurt that you kept bringing up that you needed the money back.

Kym: Sorry. It's just that I'm having a lot of financial issues at the moment, so I've been feeling a bit anxious about money.

Asha: I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed about money at the moment. What actually upset me, though, was that it sounded like you doubted that I would volunteer to pay you back. Of course I'll pay you back as soon as possible.

Can you see that Asha skilfully noticed that the conversation was about to go in a different direction to what she had intended, as Kym had not understood Asha’s actual concern. So Asha was able to clarify and redirect the conversation.

Kym: Oh no, of course I know that you would intend to pay me back as soon as possible. It's not that at all.

Kym is really clever here by first setting Asha's mind at peace and reassuring her that she had no doubt that she was planning to pay her back. Then she went on to clarify why she acted in that way…

Kym: I just thought that you might forget because I have a terrible memory myself and I'm always forgetting to pay people back when I owe them money! I just assumed that you might forget as well.

Asha: Oh okay. That makes sense. It hadn't occurred to me that you would be concerned about that.

Asha listened well and quickly understood Kym's point. It wasn't personal. In her moment of anxiety around finances, Kym had panicked, thinking that Asha might forget to pay her back. Of course, if it wasn't because of their skillful communication, this incident might have put a strain on Asha and Kym's friendship.

14. Don't get caught up in communication games - emotions can cause us to play all kinds of mind games during communication. These games are rarely helpful. Here's an example of a conversation between a couple:

Fiona - We are fighting every day. If we want our marriage to survive, we need to be able to sort out our differences.

Doug - You never wanted to be with me in the first place. If you want to leave me, you can just leave. No one is stopping you.

Fiona - But I'm saying that I want to fix our problems, not leave you.

Doug - I know what you really want. I bet you've met someone better.

Communication games often involve one party intentionally twisting what's being said, usually because of a defensive, emotionally charged stance around the subject. Communication games are different to genuine misunderstandings. There is an unwillingness to hear the other person and an intentional manipulation of what's being said. There could be many reasons for this kind of behaviour, including angry and passive aggressive emotions. In simple words, they are too angry or hurt to want to hear you. At times, what you're seeing is the result of a person who has such a negative self-image that they feel a strong urge to defend themselves by deflecting.

As you can see, this would make it nearly impossible for the two people to ever reach a resolution. Instead of the two islands getting closer to each other, they start to mistrust the boat of communication. They start to believe that the information communicated can't be trusted. Over time, this will encourage more and more game playing.

How could this problem be resolved? Well, as a first step Fiona needs to stop and ‘call it’. She would need to openly speak about the communication block that's affecting them. She could then inquire about the deeper issues that are causing her partner to play these communication games. As a final step, the couple could set a new rule that, from that point on, they would only say what they mean and would take each other’s statements at face value. What their partner says is what they mean. This is is an important rule that can gradually establish a new pattern within relationships where there are no hidden meanings behind words. What you mean is what you say. If both Fiona and Doug committed to trying to practice this new rule, gradually communication could become simpler and easier between them. Of course, for people who have lived a lifetime learning that words have double meanings, or have learned to sooth their emotions by resorting to communication games, these habits may take time to wear off. Speak to your partner about these each time they happen again so that you can gradually mould your relationship into one that can create trust and safety for both.

15. If someone breaks your trust, don't stop talking to them - people who have been hurt in the past, often develop a theory to explain why they have been hurt. The theory could be that people hurt you because:

They don't care about you.

They look down on you.

They don't have your best interests at heart.

They are selfish and only care about themselves.

They are humiliating you or laughing at your misfortunes.

Or, on the other hand, you might think that there is something wrong with you that has made you a target. For example, you might think that:

You are weak.

You are unlikable.

You are uncool.

You are too different from others.

These are just a few of the explanations you might have found for the wrongs that others have done to you. However, these theories are often far from the truth. The reality is that people are all so different and the reasons for their behaviours are diverse. Even two individuals who have broken your trust in exactly the same way may have had two completely different reasons for their behaviour. Understanding their reasons can help you understand that other people may not always view you in the way you have been conditioned to believe.

It may be tempting to stop communicating with a person who has broken your trust, but for the sake of your own mental health, try to resist making a habit of doing this. Find out why they did it. Find out how their mind works and what caused them to behave that way. It's easy to assume that they hurt you because of whatever old theory you have about yourself or about them. But there's always a chance that what really happened was not exactly what it looks like, or that there is a lot more to the story than meets the eye. Communicating with people who have broken your trust is also important because, if you don't, you run the risk of doubting your own ability to judge who can and cannot be trusted. You essentially lose trust in your own judgement. You may even begin to feel that you can't trust anyone at all.

Please note: this doesn't necessarily mean that you have to give your trust back to the person. If, after thorough communication using all the skills you've learned in this course, you are still firm in your belief that you should not trust this person, then at least you can walk away with a greater understanding of them or a better feeling about yourself.

16. Don't give them the impression that you agree, if you really disagree - this one might seem a bit harmless. You're kind of tired of talking about the issue and want the conversation to be over. Or you can't be bothered arguing for your point. Or think that it's not important enough to be worth the effort. Or you may have many other reasons for giving them the impression that you agree with their idea, with their decision or with their argument. But sooner or later they may realise that you hadn't agreed at all. For example, during another conversation at a later point, you revert to what you actually think. Or even worse, if they turn out to be wrong, you begin blaming them for having made the wrong decision, even though at the time you had given the impression that you were on board with it. You had not tried hard enough to argue for a different decision by helping them understand your point of view.

The solution? We mentioned that honesty is important in communication. Dishonesty will make the other person begin to lose trust in the boat. So don't give them the false impression that you agree, if you don't. But if you are happy to let go of your position despite your disagreement, communicate that as well. Perhaps you can say that you still don't agree but are happy to try it their way. Or you could say that you still don't agree but are tired of continuing the discussion. Or the issue isn't important enough to you to continue debating it. Basically, say it like it is.

When it comes to decision making, teamwork means that you and your partner may not agree about the best course of action and may need to communicate as long as it takes to reach a decision that you're both happy with. This may take time and energy as you both put forth your arguments and together explore all the details. You may each be looking at the issue from a slightly different angle and the best decision becomes clear to you through talking more. But if you don't wish to put in that effort, that's completely okay. As long as you remember that if you choose to hand over the decision making to the other person, then you should not complain about the outcome if it doesn't turn out well. You made the decision to leave them in charge.“

(Excerpt from "Mind Wellbeing - A Workbook & Manual for Achieving Mental Wellness and Healthy Relationships," Chapter 11)