Self Compassion

It’s worth drawing connections between the self image models so far explored and the following two concepts:

• Self compassion

• Self focused attention

Self compassion can be defined as accepting one’s own imperfections, failures and pain in a non-judgemental and kind manner. Neff (2004) explains that self compassion is different to measures of self esteem, as self esteem relies on positive beliefs around one’s competence, achievements and abilities , often relative to others.

It is suggested that instilling self compassion is a more helpful alternative to the more traditional ideas of self esteem. According to Seligman, 1995, one reason for this is that excessive self esteem can lead to issues such as narcissism, self-centeredness, and a lack of concern for others. Based on the Fount model of self, self esteem can be viewed as an external sense of self worth which may be more fragile. Self compassion, on the other hand, seeks to create a deep rooted sense of self worth that is independent from ones achievements and the evaluation of those around us.

There is an increasing body of research showing the importance of self compassion to mental health. For example, Macbeth & Gumley, (2012) showed an inverse association between self compassion and several different mental disorders. Neff, Kirkpatrick & Rude (2007) found self compassion to correlate with several positive mental health measures.

As therapists we are often faced with this decision during our work with our clients: do I instill self esteem or do I instill self compassion? What would each of these look like in therapy? Below are a couple of examples of cognitive restructuring in CBT work:

Situation - client complains of being a failure in their career or work, beliefs of not being valued or not being very smart.

If you work towards improving this client’s self esteem, you may instill self talk such as “you are not a failure because….”, “you are successful because…”, “you are smart because….”.

If you work towards improving this client’s self compassion, on the other hand, you may start the process with some self esteem work, however, you will place greater focus on assisting this client view their failures and imperfections in a different light - so alternatives could be: “you have had quite a few challenges and it’s been a heck of a fight to be where you are now. Good job”, “you don’t always have to be perfect or on the top. It’s okay to choose happiness over perfection sometimes”, “it’s okay to fail sometimes”, “you and everyone else have strengths and weaknesses and that’s okay”.

Fount therapeutic model emphasises the importance of placing greater focus on instilling self compassion during the process of therapy, although you may initially ground the client and create some emotional relief using self esteem development work. So it may look a bit like this:

First you assist the client to see that they are not a failure using some cognitive restructuring. Then you ask the client if they would be willing to work with you towards making peace with the idea of failure as we all fail from time to time and it would good to be able to cope with it.

Further reading - Chapters 6 and 7 of Mind Wellbeing: A Workbook & Manual for Achieving Mental Wellness and Healthy Relationships (2023).